Our Next Journey

After my last post, D and I had another appointment with the fertility specialist and had some major factors to look at and decisions to make. And a decision we have made!  

It's the biggest decision we've ever had to make and we had to take a long look at everything to make sure that this was the next step to take in our marriage. Yes, we love each other unconditionally but medical procedures and medical risks along with my age and the financial responsibilities that come with fertility issues are major factors we had to think about.  I am happy yet extremely nervous to say that as of a few weeks ago, the prep has started and officially in January, we will undergo IVF.

This afternoon we met with the team at the FP office and took a class on what will be happening over the next few months.  There is a lot of steps involved in order to ensure that we have eggs to retrieve and hopefully transfer next month. We met first regarding the financial and legal aspects of the procedure.  In all my life, I never thought I'd have to decide what would happen to any extra embryos or decide if I want specific procedures to help the formation and implantation of said embryos and ultimately how many embryos we want transferred.  It's a lot to think about and figure out along with deciding how the heck we're going to pay for the procedure and meds and then a child or children.

Then we met with our Fertility Coordinator who explained all of the meds and even let us practice giving the injections on a silicone stomach. I had no idea how many injections and medicinal cocktails I'd have to give myself throughout this process.  Thank goodness I have a supportive husband who isn't fearful of needles because he will be administering these for me, because I'm a chicken no matter how small the needles are.

Finally, we had to get bloodwork and urine analyses done in order to make sure we can take the next step. For me, I had to had to have one at the FP office to check for potential birth defects and then both D and I had to go to Quest and get the remaining tests run to check for infectious diseases. Unfortunately for me, I have horribly small veins and the phlebotomist wasn't there so the attempts at the FP office by the Medical Assistants were unsuccessful.  I have to go back tomorrow and hopefully will have a better outcome. Thankfully, the tests at Quest went easier!

So up next, we've got to get through the holidays. D and I are debating on whether or not we're going to tell our families during the time we'll be spending with them over the next few weeks. We've only told my brother and his girlfriend and a couple friends. It's one of those things that we're not sure if we want everyone knowing what's going on or just tell them after the fact. (Luckily, none of our family members besides my bro know about the blog so they won't find out from here!) It's something I'm not embarrassed to admit but I also don't want them to add additional stress/pressure right now.

It's amazing to think that 3 years ago today, D and I got engaged at Hoover Dam in Las Vegas and today, we're taking the next step to grow our family. 3 years ago, I would have never imagined we'd be on this IVF journey, but here it goes!

Something more than daily life

I've been meaning to post something more than our day to day life on here for a while, but I couldn't really find the courage to actually post it.  One afternoon 6 or 7 months ago while I was taking a short lunch at work, I wrote out something that had been eating me up for awhile in hopes of posting it but I decided against it.  The words on that piece of notebook paper have sat in the back of my mind since I wrote them and finally I feel like I can address those fears, especially after having them confirmed.
So we'll start at the beginning....
D & I talked before we got married of our hopes, fears and goals for the future. While I wasn't always sure that I would be a good mother, I wasn't opposed to the idea of actually becoming one some day. There was never a time in my life that I thought my life would be incomplete without a child and I figured if the time came, I'd be ok if we did or did not have children once we were married and settled.

A few months before our 1 year anniversary, D & I thought we had settled into married life fairly well.  We had our finances in order, our house was coming along, we had our careers pretty much under control and we decided it was the right time to try to grow our family. In June 2016, I stopped refilling my birth control prescription. I was on the pill for almost 13 years and it was crazy to think that we were taking this next step together and actually trying to have a child. We went on our delayed honeymoon in July and while we weren't certain that the pill was completely out of my system, we were ok with whatever the outcome would be.
Obviously, I haven't posted anything about pregnancy or having a child on the blog and if you've seen me over the past 16 months, you've noticed our only baby is still Kinny. My thought process over this time period has always been, "whatever happens is in God's plan" and I continue to believe that. I just figured God didn't think it was the right time and that with my big promotion at work and other things D & I have going on, we needed to continue to focus on everything else and let whatever happen actually happen.
The first few months, we thought we were just unable to figure out my cycle.  After that, D, who is longingly wanting to be a father, downloaded the Glow App to his phone. He's been tracking each month feverishly so we could get the timing down as best as possible. I started taking additional vitamins, eating foods to promote fertility, cutting out all alcohol and overall trying to be as healthy as I can.
After a year of trying, D & I realized that something may not be right. Around our 2 year anniversary, we decided we probably needed to go to the doctor and figure out what's exactly wrong. We tried calling a fertility specialist that one of our friend's recommended and in fact used to have her baby girl earlier this year. D left message after message and could not get anyone to call him back. After a week of frustration and unreturned calls, we decided to look for another doctor. On my way to and from work, I've noticed a large building that clearly was exactly what I was looking for. All these years driving down I-70, I ignored it but knowing our situation, I decided to do some research and see if they could help us. The doctor had great reviews and also a high percentage of helping couples like D & myself.
D made the initial call and set us up for an appointment in mid-September, September 15th to be exact. We filled out our paperwork, submitted it ahead of time so that the doctor could review our medical histories and be prepared for our visit. We were glad that we finally were going to figure out what was going on! I got a call a few days before our initial visit saying the doctor had to reschedule because he would be out of town so we rescheduled for the following Friday, September 22nd. We were leaving for KC for the weekend that day but it just made sense to get into the doctor without having to take additional time off of work another day.
D & I met with the doctor, gave him a bit of history of us and then settled in for testing. The doctor ordered 3 blood tests for me along with an ultrasound and a one test for D.
We each went our separate ways -- me for my blood tests and D for his test and then met back up for my ultrasound. The blood test results, testing my AMH, Vitamin D and TSH levels wouldn't be back for a week but if the doc found something in D's results or my ultrasound then we wouldn't have to worry about them so much.
Of course as I suspected, D's results came back completely normal. My ultrasound came back less than stellar. Apparently I have an inverted uterus and the doctor could only find 6-7 egg follicles, which is low for someone my age -- both of these things alone make it difficult to become pregnant let alone whatever my blood tests results would find.
We left our appointment quite disheartened. For someone that had said, "whatever happens is in God's plan" before, I now felt cheated and felt like the worst wife ever. I spent the whole car ride to KC upset and crying every so often. I spent our evening at dinner upset and then was up half of the night up thinking. Even without knowing the other test results, I knew, "I am defective."
Around midnight that night after D was long asleep in our hotel, I sat on Twitter to keep myself occupied. Knowing I didn't have anyone to talk to, I just decided to tweet to get my feelings out there and hoping that it would let me get to sleep. The tweet was simply, "Dr apt today & wasn't expecting the results I got. Feeling broken. Trying to have fun on our trip but that news is weighing heavily on me now."
I caused a bit of a stir with my family members on Twitter but D & I blew it off just saying I was down on myself and there was nothing seriously wrong. We hadn't told anyone about our fertility struggles and I didn't want to have to try to explain them without having all of the info.
We waited for the remaining results to come back in and then decided to figure out the next step.
My blood test results were in about a week later and were no better than my ultrasound results...
AMH = 0.23 ng/ml
Vitamin D = 31 ng/ml
TSH = 1.69 ml U/L
I Googled each to find out what it meant and it was frightening. My AMH levels are EXTREMELY low and my Vitamin D is also on the lower side. I wanted to hear back from the doctor but considering I only got the raw results from the lab, I waited to see what his interpretation of all of the results were. And waited we did -- it was 4 weeks yesterday since our appointment and finally I got a call back from the doctor. I've been diagnosed with Diminished Ovarian Reserve. My AMH level being so low, means that at 34, I'm closer to menopause than I should be and chances of us having a child on our own are nearly impossible.
The doctor recommended Vitamin D supplements and wanted to know my thoughts on where we wanted to go from here. Obviously modern medicine could potentially help us but at what cost? IUI is not a viable option, IVF may be possible, but what exactly would it take to get to that point and have it be successful? The doctor also has a reputation to uphold and doesn't want to steer me to believe that he's a miracle worker when I could be way past the point of being able to sustain a pregnancy. On top of that, do we want to spend $7,000 + the costs of meds and injections for it to not work? Trying to be financially responsible (or maybe just cheap), I'm torn by what we should do.
The doctor suggested meeting face to face with both D & myself and going through all of our options. We have another appointment set up for November 3rd.

It's hit me hard over the past month, just how difficult life can be at you sometimes. I tried for years and years to be responsible and not get pregnant -- waiting for the right time in my life, where I was ready mentally, emotionally and financially and it seems like when all of those pieces came together, now  physically I'm not able to. Yes, this may all be "in God's plan" but it's made me wonder just what I've done to deserve these trials and tribulations. I also wonder if God just wants me to only be Kinny's mom.

It's Fall Y'all

Oh September and October, what can I say?  It's been a lot of the same around here....work, work, work for both D and myself and then a few weekends away.  The last weekend of August, we spent the weekend out with my family in Highland, we had a wedding Labor Day weekend down at the Lake of the Ozarks, we took a weekend and celebrated our 2 year anniversary in Kansas City and both D and I had to travel for work -- D to Minnesota and me to New Orleans/Mobile, AL.  Really, I couldn't tell you if we were coming or going last month and this month has turned into more of the same.
I picked up D from the airport this afternoon as he had a weekend out in Vegas with his buddy Jason. They attended the Vegas Golden Knights hockey game against the Detroit Red Wings and had some guy time while I stayed home.  It was a good thing I stayed home, I had a wedding for another cousin on the Rick side to attend and I'm also petsitting for my Mom and Michael while they cruise to Bermuda.  Our house is pretty crazy right now, 3 cats and 1 dog all under one roof and really Miss Kinny is not to thrilled with her house guests.  We have our guests for another week and I'm hoping we can get her to change her mind and get along with her pet friends.

We're getting ready to start another work week and it's sure to be a another full one.  Besides the normal workload, which is overwhelming in itself, I have lunches and appointments and meetings that will take up the rest of my time.  Ah...the life of a Senior Accountant and Department Manager!

Anyway, here are a few photos of our adventures.....

Kirchenfest 2017

Labor Day Wedding

Kansas City - Arabia Steamboat Museum

Wedding Fun!

Love my Fam!!

TWO YEARS!!!!

Where were you two years ago today?!?
For D, myself and nearly 130 of our closest family and friends, we were all in St. Louis celebrating our wedding.  Crazy to think it has been two years since we said I DO and became husband and wife.
It's been a wild journey so far and we've had our ups and downs but I would not change one thing that has happened over the course of these 2 years.
I love looking back at our wedding pictures because I can honestly say this was one of the best days of my life.  I had my family and friends all together to witness such a beautiful, momentous occasion.

In case you want to relive the day as much as I do, here are more pics from the big day.

Happy 2nd Anniversary to my wonderful, patient (most of the time), caring and compassionate husband Dusty Bear!!  I love you more than you could ever imagine and I'm so happy I get to spend the rest of my life with you!

A delayed vacation post - a visit to Michigan's Upper Peninsula

So we went on vacation a little more than a month ago and somehow time got away from me with blogging about the trip.  Could be the fact that I've been a crazy workhorse since we've been back, but nonetheless, it was a great time and I'm so glad we were able to get away and relax in Michigan's Upper Peninsula.
This year we went back to the Roberts' family cabin and spent 7 days enjoying the views and peace and quiet of Lake Superior and Waiska Bay.
We did take a few days trips, including to Whitefish Point and the Shipwreck Museum, Sault Ste. Marie to see the freighters cross the locks and to my favorite, Tahquamenon Falls.

Kinny helping Daddy drive

The Mighty Mackinac Bridge

Soo Locks Visitor Center

That's some propeller!

Here comes a freighter!

Kinny catching some morning rays.

Happy 4th of July!!

Video Blackjack with the family before fireworks

A beautiful sunset on the 4th of July

The Lighthouse at Whitefish Point

Tahquamenon Falls

So majestic!

Dustin's favorite spot - watching freighters

Kinny's favorite spot - relaxing on something soft

Overall, we had a great time and both Dustin and I talked the whole ride home about how we would love to be able to move there.  Of course, with the careers we have now that's not possible, but it sure would be nice to get out of the daily grind and take things a bit slower.  Not sure how well I would do up there with all of the snow in the winter but the summer is amazing and definitely the change of pace we needed for a week off of work!

It's May!

We're about halfway through May and things really haven't slowed down for us much.  We've attended a few weddings, worked on a few projects around our house and celebrated a few holidays. Speaking of which, last weekend was Mother's Day and we were able to spend the day with my mom and step-dad.  Kinny even surprised me with a few gifts over the weekend, including these yummy donuts.

Love me some cake donuts!

Apparently Kinny sent her dad out at 5:45 am to find her Mom sprinkled cake donuts.  I also got a Groupon to get a massage or facial at a local spa. It was definitely appreciated and I'm so grateful for my family.
After our donut breakfast and a workout, we had to get ready for a wedding.  One of my cousins on my dad's side married her longtime boyfriend and our family was invited.  We all attended the ceremony and then had a few hours to spare before the reception so we visited a local micro-brewery for drinks and some snacks.

The Rick clan at Stubborn German Brewing Company

We had a great time at the wedding and it brought back a lot of memories of our own wedding nearly 2 years ago especially since the colors were exactly the same as ours!  Who knew green would be such a popular wedding color!

This weekend it was time to get back to errands and projects around the house. Kinny needed an updated Rabies tag and since she no longer can be vaccinated due to the cancer caused by her last round of vaccines, we had to get an exemption from the county. D and I made a trip to the Dept of Humane Services and were able to pick up her exemption tag and since we were out we also hit Total Hockey, Menards for a new outdoor blower/vacuum and handheld Shark, Kohls and Target. D put his new outdoor blower/vacuum to use as we worked in the yard today cutting the grass, trimming the trees and bushes and cleaning up all of the old leaves.

Overall we had a productive weekend and we're getting ready for a short work week with Memorial Day coming up soon. While I'm looking forward to some time off, work demands so much attention that I'm sure I'll have quite the backlog going into month-end. Like I tell myself nearly every day, stay calm, you'll find a way to get through it all.  

And thankfully when I leave work, I have this sweet girl to cuddle up to....

Life right now

Things have been beyond busy around here with work and household responsibilities. Somedays I wonder why we became homeowners....give me back my renting days where my only responsibility was to keep the place decent looking so I could get back my security deposit.
Lately we've had the furnace go out, the dryer go out and multiple projects go haphazardly or half-finished for the time being. We'll get there eventually I guess but not anytime soon.

Besides the normal work craziness, I've been searching to find a new Staff Accountant to fill the position that has been vacant since early November.  Who knew finding qualified help would be so difficult, but hopefully on Monday my new hire will start and live up to the expectations I have for the position. *fingers crossed*
I've been given a promotion to Senior Accountant and with that, my job has become even more non-stop over the past few months.  I'm still working far too many hours each week.  This weekend, knowing full well I'll have my hands full training the Staff Accountant next week, I spent a good part of my afternoon getting caught up with a few work projects so I can finish the easy input part when I get into the office on Monday.  Tomorrow I need to start and hopefully finish a synopsis of the visit from our Software Company a month ago.  It is a project dropped on me by my boss at 4:45 pm yesterday afternoon and is due by Thursday.  I know I'm thinking a few days ahead but knowing my days never go as planned, if I don't start on my own time, I probably will be stuck doing it on my own time Wednesday night or early Thursday morning.
D is in the same boat as I am with work right now and we're both working a ton of hours both in and out of the office.  We went to dinner with my parents tonight and then came home to hook back up to the laptops to get back to work.  He's in the office and I'm out in the living room with Kinny helping me. So much for Saturday night curled up on the couch just enjoying some free time together.

I'm still trying to complete a few sets of taxes for people as well.  I have two sets left to finish and while I enjoy taxes, I can hardly wait for the end of tax season.  Doing taxes used to fill my free time and give me a bit of extra money on the side...now, I'm trying to juggle them with everything else going on.  Somehow I always get through it, it just seems extra stressful this year.

If we're ever able to have kids, I'm not sure how I'm going to manage everything and it's weighed heavily on my mind lately.  Both D and I have so much on our plates at any given time and some days it just seems impossible to take on more.  I'm sure we'd figure it out but one or both of us will have to make some sacrifices.  Right now I already feel like Kinny gets the short end of the stick with us gone for 10 hours a day and that's why I've made such a point to try to be home with her most weekends. She notices when we're home and when we're gone for too long and she needs our time as well.  It hit me hard earlier this week as I was sitting at my desk eating lunch on Monday and all I wanted was to be home to cuddle with my sweet girl. I know it sounds crazy, but somedays I just want to be that stay-at-home kitty mom.

Anyway, just wanted to check in but I better get back to my work so I can at least take some of the pressure off of my week ahead.

You Know You're Getting Older

We're dealing with some sickness around here right now.  Apparently everyone in my office is sick and I don't have near the immune system that I used to so of course, I picked it right up. I'm finally feeling a bit better today after feeling horrible for 4 days straight but now D has caught the bug and is achy and just wants to sleep.  So we're taking it easy around here this weekend.

In any case, this post isn't about our ailments, I thought I'd jot down a few tidbits since turning 34 last Sunday.  I know I'm not old by any means but I do realize I'm getting older and I'm noticing little changes throughout my life.

You know you're getting older when:
- You ask your husband for mechanical pencils for your birthday.
- You'd rather list to the local "Greatest Hits" radio station rather than the "Top Hits" station.  I'll take Journey and Genesis over Taylor Swift and Shawn Mendes anyday!
- Your Saturday nights consists of dates involving grocery shopping and trips to Sam's Club at 8 pm.
- You'd rather spend your evenings watching reruns of Full House, Friends and Home Improvement rather than anything new in primetime.
- Your weekends are spent binge-watching Fixer Upper or Property Brothers for home improvement ideas for your own home.
- A weeknight date night is a rare occurrence these days and even when you do plan something is usually because it takes care of multiple goals you wanted to accomplish.
-You realize that you can't remember near the random details you did when you were 22. Where has my memory gone these last 12 years?!?
- The best part of your workday is coming home and spending the evening with your husband and kitty on the couch.

I wonder what sort of changes I'll notice in the next 10+ years!

Ahhh January

So the end of the year got away from me and I haven't had a whole lot of extra time to put together a proper update on our holiday happenings.
It ended up being a jam packed December -- Dustin's birthday, Christmas parties, Christmas celebrations, visiting family both here and in Michigan, dealing with a crazy ice storm, getting though year-end and just everyday life.  But, we survived it all!

January hasn't been very slow either and I'm shocked that we're just a week away from the end of the month and only 5 days from my 34th birthday.
Some exciting news for the month:
- We finally got to hang out with some of our old friends from our former employer. It was fun to catch up with dinner and the Blues game and even more exciting to hear that they will be welcoming an addition to their family in July.
- I finally got an unexpected day off from work when the 2nd ice storm was slated to come through the area on Friday the 13th.  I called in because I was not about to commute 4.5 hours again like the month before.  I got a lot of honey-do's complete that day which was nice.
- Speaking of home projects we've finally got a few rooms updated and our house is starting to look like a home.  We have our guest bedroom decorated and just put the finishing touches on our master bedroom.  With these projects done, we're getting ready to tackle a few upgrades to our basement.
- We're a aunt and uncle again!  Our sweet nephew Eli was born on January 17th.  We haven't actually gotten to meet him in person yet but we're excited to see him on our next trip to Michigan.
- We got to go to the Blues game last Thursday with my brother and his girlfriend and sit 3 rows off of the ice.  While it was not even close to a respectable performance by the Blues (they lost 7-3 to the Capitals), we had a blast hanging out with them.
- Today I got some good news on the work front.  I'm not at liberty to say much yet but hopefully it will help me in the coming months.  It's been a rough few months and I welcome any positive changes.

With my 34th birthday on the horizon, I've got a lot of stuff on my mind, maybe one day I'll actually put it all on paper but for now, I'll let it just mill around in my head.