So we'll start at the beginning....
D & I talked before we got married of our hopes, fears and goals for the future. While I wasn't always sure that I would be a good mother, I wasn't opposed to the idea of actually becoming one some day. There was never a time in my life that I thought my life would be incomplete without a child and I figured if the time came, I'd be ok if we did or did not have children once we were married and settled.
A few months before our 1 year anniversary, D & I thought we had settled into married life fairly well. We had our finances in order, our house was coming along, we had our careers pretty much under control and we decided it was the right time to try to grow our family. In June 2016, I stopped refilling my birth control prescription. I was on the pill for almost 13 years and it was crazy to think that we were taking this next step together and actually trying to have a child. We went on our delayed honeymoon in July and while we weren't certain that the pill was completely out of my system, we were ok with whatever the outcome would be.
Obviously, I haven't posted anything about pregnancy or having a child on the blog and if you've seen me over the past 16 months, you've noticed our only baby is still Kinny. My thought process over this time period has always been, "whatever happens is in God's plan" and I continue to believe that. I just figured God didn't think it was the right time and that with my big promotion at work and other things D & I have going on, we needed to continue to focus on everything else and let whatever happen actually happen.
The first few months, we thought we were just unable to figure out my cycle. After that, D, who is longingly wanting to be a father, downloaded the Glow App to his phone. He's been tracking each month feverishly so we could get the timing down as best as possible. I started taking additional vitamins, eating foods to promote fertility, cutting out all alcohol and overall trying to be as healthy as I can.
After a year of trying, D & I realized that something may not be right. Around our 2 year anniversary, we decided we probably needed to go to the doctor and figure out what's exactly wrong. We tried calling a fertility specialist that one of our friend's recommended and in fact used to have her baby girl earlier this year. D left message after message and could not get anyone to call him back. After a week of frustration and unreturned calls, we decided to look for another doctor. On my way to and from work, I've noticed a large building that clearly was exactly what I was looking for. All these years driving down I-70, I ignored it but knowing our situation, I decided to do some research and see if they could help us. The doctor had great reviews and also a high percentage of helping couples like D & myself.
D made the initial call and set us up for an appointment in mid-September, September 15th to be exact. We filled out our paperwork, submitted it ahead of time so that the doctor could review our medical histories and be prepared for our visit. We were glad that we finally were going to figure out what was going on! I got a call a few days before our initial visit saying the doctor had to reschedule because he would be out of town so we rescheduled for the following Friday, September 22nd. We were leaving for KC for the weekend that day but it just made sense to get into the doctor without having to take additional time off of work another day.
D & I met with the doctor, gave him a bit of history of us and then settled in for testing. The doctor ordered 3 blood tests for me along with an ultrasound and a one test for D.
We each went our separate ways -- me for my blood tests and D for his test and then met back up for my ultrasound. The blood test results, testing my AMH, Vitamin D and TSH levels wouldn't be back for a week but if the doc found something in D's results or my ultrasound then we wouldn't have to worry about them so much.
Of course as I suspected, D's results came back completely normal. My ultrasound came back less than stellar. Apparently I have an inverted uterus and the doctor could only find 6-7 egg follicles, which is low for someone my age -- both of these things alone make it difficult to become pregnant let alone whatever my blood tests results would find.
We left our appointment quite disheartened. For someone that had said, "whatever happens is in God's plan" before, I now felt cheated and felt like the worst wife ever. I spent the whole car ride to KC upset and crying every so often. I spent our evening at dinner upset and then was up half of the night up thinking. Even without knowing the other test results, I knew, "I am defective."
Around midnight that night after D was long asleep in our hotel, I sat on Twitter to keep myself occupied. Knowing I didn't have anyone to talk to, I just decided to tweet to get my feelings out there and hoping that it would let me get to sleep. The tweet was simply, "Dr apt today & wasn't expecting the results I got. Feeling broken. Trying to have fun on our trip but that news is weighing heavily on me now."
I caused a bit of a stir with my family members on Twitter but D & I blew it off just saying I was down on myself and there was nothing seriously wrong. We hadn't told anyone about our fertility struggles and I didn't want to have to try to explain them without having all of the info.
We waited for the remaining results to come back in and then decided to figure out the next step.
My blood test results were in about a week later and were no better than my ultrasound results...
AMH = 0.23 ng/ml
Vitamin D = 31 ng/ml
TSH = 1.69 ml U/L
I Googled each to find out what it meant and it was frightening. My AMH levels are EXTREMELY low and my Vitamin D is also on the lower side. I wanted to hear back from the doctor but considering I only got the raw results from the lab, I waited to see what his interpretation of all of the results were. And waited we did -- it was 4 weeks yesterday since our appointment and finally I got a call back from the doctor. I've been diagnosed with Diminished Ovarian Reserve. My AMH level being so low, means that at 34, I'm closer to menopause than I should be and chances of us having a child on our own are nearly impossible.
The doctor recommended Vitamin D supplements and wanted to know my thoughts on where we wanted to go from here. Obviously modern medicine could potentially help us but at what cost? IUI is not a viable option, IVF may be possible, but what exactly would it take to get to that point and have it be successful? The doctor also has a reputation to uphold and doesn't want to steer me to believe that he's a miracle worker when I could be way past the point of being able to sustain a pregnancy. On top of that, do we want to spend $7,000 + the costs of meds and injections for it to not work? Trying to be financially responsible (or maybe just cheap), I'm torn by what we should do.
The doctor suggested meeting face to face with both D & myself and going through all of our options. We have another appointment set up for November 3rd.
It's hit me hard over the past month, just how difficult life can be at you sometimes. I tried for years and years to be responsible and not get pregnant -- waiting for the right time in my life, where I was ready mentally, emotionally and financially and it seems like when all of those pieces came together, now physically I'm not able to. Yes, this may all be "in God's plan" but it's made me wonder just what I've done to deserve these trials and tribulations. I also wonder if God just wants me to only be Kinny's mom.
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