Oh, May!

Usually on a Saturday morning at 8 am, I'd be at the gym trying to decompress after a long week at work.  Today, I'm propped up on the couch recovering from emergency gallbladder surgery on Monday evening.  Thankfully I'm feeling quite a bit better, just a bit sore from surgery but I still thought I needed a day or two more of taking it easy before trying to get back to real life.

So let's recap the week and I'll try to explain how I got to this spot....

On Sunday afternoon, D wasn't feeling the best.  For lunch, he had made a quesadilla with some questionable cheese and I made a grilled cheese with the same questionable cheese.  I felt fine but he had a small stomach bug going on later in the day.  By dinner time, we were having tamales for dinner.  I had two and felt super full and a bit uneasy after dinner.  I thought it may have just been the cheese on my sandwich from lunch now taking a toll on me.

We all went to bed Sunday evening and I woke up Monday morning still with some tummy trouble, but I got ready for work and got the kids ready for their day at school, spending a good amount of time in the bathroom during all of our morning prep.  I drove to work and continued having to go to the restroom every few minutes.  I somehow got through my 8 am department meeting with my team and as soon as it was over, all hell broke loose!  Besides the vomiting, I started to get chills and was doubled over in pain.  I kept thinking, I have nothing left in me, I have to start feeling better soon....boy, was I wrong!  Around 9:45 am and 50 bathroom trips, I walked into my boss and told him I wasn't feeling well and was going to go home to get better.  I NEVER go home from work sick, but I had to admit to myself I wasn't doing any good in the office.  I sent a quick email to my team and told them I was going home to get rid of my stomach bug.

The drive home from work was the worse.  I could barely drive as I was doubled over in pain and every bump made it that much worse.  I called D and let him know I was coming home.  He called my mom and asked her to come check on me once I got home.  I was not much better when I got home.  I could barely move and no matter how I moved, I was in excruciating pain.  My mom came over about 30 minutes after I got home and tried to take care of me.  She suggested I try to go to the doctor and I declined thinking it was just a 24 hour bug that I needed to sleep off.  The only problem was that I couldn't sleep and was hurting more and more by the minute.  I decided to make an urgent care appointment for that afternoon and then about an hour after making that urgent care appointment, I decided to cancel it and just go to the ER.

Because I was hurting everywhere and the pain was shooting up through my chest, as soon as I got to the ER, they took me back for a EKG and X-ray of my chest.  Thankfully both were normal but that didn't explain why I felt so bad.  They ordered bloodwork and urinalysis and an ultrasound of my abdomen.  In between the testing, I was in the waiting room barely able to move.  Finally in the late afternoon, I got moved into a room in the ER and was waiting on a CT scan.  The tests confirmed my gallstone had gotten bigger and was most likely the cause of all of my pain and suffering.  The ER doctor was leaning towards surgery to have my gallbladder removed (considering I have had multiple episodes of gallbladder attacks over the years) but was waiting for the surgeon's 2nd opinion.

By 4:30 pm, they all decided I was going to have gallbladder surgery and by 5 pm, I was wheeled off from the ER to surgery prep and by 6 pm, I was under the knife having my gallbladder removed.  It was such a crazy turn of events.  I started my day thinking I had food poisoning and by the evening I was having emergency surgery.  After surgery and a bit of time in the recovery room waking up from anesthesia, D was there and waiting for me.  He had switched places with my mom who came to my house to take care of Declan and Connor with my step-dad.

I got to Face-time my boys once I was in my room and both were so adorable.  Declan asked why I couldn't come home to see him and Connor was just his joyful self running around without a care in the world.  D left shortly after and sent a message to my boss and team letting them know I would be out of commission for a bit but would check in as soon as I could.

I woke up Tuesday feeling sore but so much better than I felt the day before.  The surgeon came in early and told me my surgery went well and there were no complications and he was discharging me.  I still needed to wait for the hospitalist to release me but I was almost free to come home and recover.  I was excited to get to come home and around noon, I was officially released to get back on my feet in the comfort of my own house.

One thing I failed to realize after I was discharged was that I was on IV pain meds in the hospital.  At home, I'd be on Motrin only.  I was feeling good when I left because I still had the pain meds in my system.  A few hours later, I was so sore and I decided the couch was going to be my best friend for the rest of the day and night!

I decided to work from home the rest of the week and overdid it a bit by trying to sit at my computer for extended lengths of time but I made it through the week.  Probably the hardest part of my recovery is actually taking it easy.  I'm used to going from the time I wake up until the time I fall asleep each day.  I pack my day with as much as I possibly can as I have so many people counting on me.  I'm still trying to figure out how to take it slow and take it easy and break these mental barriers that tell me I need to do it all.  But, one positive note from this entire saga is that I no longer have to worry about another gallbladder attack taking me out unexpectedly.

As luck would have it this week, Connor also had an incident and my parents had to take him to urgent care on Wednesday night.  He apparently picked up pink eye from school.  Of all weeks to get pink eye, it was the week that I was out of commission.  He had to stay home from school with me Thursday and Friday to ward off giving it to anyone else in his class (although I'm sure he got it from someone else there first!).  Keeping him occupied while I was trying to recover, rest and work was quite the experience, but again my mom stepped in to help out as she could and it was a huge blessing.

Last night the kids went to spend the night with my parents.  It's their Friday routine and after 2 weeks of being home with us on Friday nights due to other committments, the boys were excited to go to Nana and Papa's.  In fact, last night we asked if we could all do dinner together since both parents had spent yesterday at our house and Declan responded, "You and Daddy need to do dinner on your own.  We're going to Nana and Papa's for dinner and the hot tub!"  So in case you're wondering, my 4 year old needed a break from home and needed some fun at Nana and Papa's. 

The rest of the weekend, we're planning on enjoying the time off and I'm hoping to be back to 100% by the time I go back to work next week. 

And of course, I can publish a new post without some pics so here are a few of our week.

My hospital visit.

Declan taking care of emails for me.

My little nature lover.

My two little loves.

Hope everyone has a great Memorial Day weekend.

Checking in for 2023

 This blog is dusty and I realize check-ins are near impossible, but it won't stop me from thinking the best and hoping I can still pop in occassionally and post an update on our lives.

So in the 6 months since I last posted, let's see if I can recap our lives!  We made it through the holidays -- two special little boys' birthdays, Halloween, Thanksgiving, D's birthday, Christmas, New Years, my 40th birthday, Valentine's Day and St. Patrick's Day!

Declan and Connor have grown up so much and I'm sitting here in awe at how well adjusted they are, how smart they are and how much I enjoy being their mama in spite of all of the craziness life brings us each day.  They make me smile each day and really are the brightness of my days.

Connor started walking shortly after his first birthday in October and at nearly 18 months, runs everywhere.  He doesn't slow down and is my dare devil. He'll look at you with the sweetest smile on his face and do exactly what he is not supposed to.  He's my charmer and my love bug too. He loves giving hugs, blowing kisses and will cuddle on his terms.  His vocabulary is growing by the day and I know very soon he's going to be talking just as much as Declan does.  Right now, I think we're up to about 12-15 words.  His favorite being "hi Papa", "ball" and "Dec" and "dada".

Declan is my intellectual that loves facts and research and learning in general. He's excelling in Preschool and when we took him to the school district for his 4 year old assessment, they told us he's ready for Kindergarten....he's got a full year plus to go before we even get to that point (darn October birthday!).  His interests include learning more about shipwrecks (documentaries about Titanic and Edmund Fitzgerald are his favorites), building, learning about every type of car and truck imaginable (he's going to be my motorhead) and hot-tubbing at Nana's.  I'm amazed every day by his vocabulary and problem solving skills and think that he's going to be smarter than me in no time at all.

In January, I celebrated my 40th birthday.  I was a bit anxious about turning 40.  It felt like a good portion of my life and youth was long gone.  I reminisced about my 20s and 30s and wondered how those years passed so fast and worried that the next 10 years of my life would pass in an absolute blur. I didn't want to do much for my birthday but D suprised me by having my immediate family over for a small party.  And honestly, it was exactly what I needed on my 40th birthday.  My team at work also threw me a small party with catered lunch and memories of my younger days, which was appreciated.

A few weeks back, at the beginning of March, we suffered our first loss in a long time in the Roberts' family and while I don't like dwelling on the sad stuff, I want to mention it as he was one of the most influential and special people I've had the pleasure of knowing for 10 years.  Grandpa Roberts, the pillar of our Roberts' family passed away from post-polio syndrome.  He was 87 years old and had been on a decline since Christmas but it was definitely hard for our family.  D and I made the trip to Michigan to be there for the family and attend his funeral and I can say, we were both emotional wrecks.  Grandpa was one of the first people that truly accepted me and welcomed me into the family.  I could and would sit and talk to him for hours when we visited. His stories of the Upper Pennisula, his time at Oldsmobile and GM, snowmobiling and life in general were interesting and inspiring.  He loved hearing my stories about trucking and accounting life.  For D, growing up, Grandpa was the one to take him to his hockey games and practice and help him with his homework.  We both know he's in a better place with his declining health, but it hit us hard and still does at times.

And finally, I guess for the last of the updates for today, our family is gearing up for a mini Spring Break to Branson with my brother and his family and my dad and step-mom.  We're taking 4 days at Easter and are renting a cabin close to Silver Dollar City for a few days of family fun.  The trip includes a visit to the Titantic Museum (at Declan's request), Silver Dollar City and other family friendly attractions for our crew.  Declan asks week after week if it's time for our vacation yet.  He's beyond excited to spend time with his cousins, uncle Ryan, aunt Kahla, maw-maw Debbie and papa Tank. 

I think that's about all for now.  I'll (again!) continue to try to better myself by checking in more often.  I love looking back on these posts and reminiscing about everything what I had going on at certain times in my life.  If I just had a few extra hours in my days and weeks....

3/4 of a year update

 It's already September and haven't posted since I went back to work in January.  It's been that insane that finding just a few minutes to update my blog has been the last thing on my mind -- actually anything to do with a computer when I get home from work is not a top priority.

So, how could I possibly update today...the day after a long Labor Day weekend?  Simple, it's the first day off I've taken with really nothing major planned since going back to work at the beginning of the year.  Ok, so we do have carpet cleaners and air duct technicians coming by today, but my kiddos are at school and I'm sitting here avoiding my work computer and all other chores to post an update.

So let's see...what has happened since January?  My kids are growing like weeds and in one short month we'll be celebrating Declan turning 4 and Connor turning 1.  The year has absolutely flown by and each day passes in a blur.

We've had a few bouts of quarantine for each kid with school due to COVID exposure and in February at Connor's 4 month checkup, he tested positive himself.  Talk about feeling like a bad mom -- he had no symptoms besides a runny nose and when I happened to take him to the pediatrician they asked if he was coughing and dumb me says "no."  He let out the slightest of coughs when they rolled him from his back to his belly and sure enough, he tested positive.  The rest of us didn't seem to get it -- so either we had it previously and didn't realize it or Connor had a false positive.  It seems like both boys were in and out of school for weeks until finally things started to slow down in June.

We celebrated Easter, Mother's Day and Father's Day with small celebrations at home.  Nothing too crazy as trying to wrangle up two kids has proven tougher than I thought.

In the beginning of July we decided to take a family vacation.  I was unsure about a 13 hour drive to D's family cabin in the Upper Pennisula so we settled on something much closer.  It was still about a 4 hour drive, but Branson seemed to be exactly what we needed to get away for a week.  Thankfully my mom and Michael came with us and were a huge help.  We rode the Branson Scenic Railway, visited Silver Dollar City, splashed around at White Water and took a tour of the fish hatchery. It was a fun time and allowed us to get away from home.  4 hours seemed to be our limit for a road trip as well as both kids were done with the car by the time we arrived.

After Branson, Declan got to experience a Brazilian steakhouse when we went to dinner with my dad, step-mom and my brother and his family. He was all about using the tongs to pick up everything.

In mid-August Declan officially started the preschool program at his school.  It's more structure with less kids, which will hopefully help prepare him for Kindergarten.  His teacher is from Peru and she's teaching the class in both English and Spanish. Declan has started coming home and giving us pointers of words in Spanish.  I absolutely love it as it's allowed me to brush up on my Spanish too!

Connor has started transitioning to the I/T 2 classroom at school too.  This is a room between the infants (or young babies) and the toddlers (kids over one).  This class is a bit more active than the infant room and is preparing him for his move to the toddler class.  In order to be moved to the toddler class, Connor has to be eating people food (not purees) and down to one nap a day.  We've just started people food as he has been a rebel and has refused to try it until just this past week.  And, as far as naps are concerned, he's a rebel with those as well but a complete trainwreck when he doesn't have enough sleep.  My guess is that he'll move into the toddler class at around 13 or 14 months, like Declan did.  He has started cruising around our house, holding onto furniture and wants to be on the go all the time!

Perhaps one of the most exciting part of this update (or at least most, me-centric) is that I actually got to go out last night and enjoy a kid-free night of music and fun.  For Mother's Day, D and the kids bought me tickets to see Shinedown perform here in STL and the concert was last night.  The last concert (Nickelback) I had tickets for was cancelled in 2020 and I hadn't made a push to want to see anyone too badly since then.  That all changed when I heard Shinedown was coming to town and I really wanted to go.  I had debated about buying tickets myself and Mother's Day just so happened to be around the corner that D thought it would be a great gift.  Thankfully D also planned for my mom and Michael to watch the kids.  And until I was sitting in my seats last night, I didn't realize how much I needed the night out.  Shinedown's music helped me get through so much in my 20s and now as I approach 40, their music still helps fuel me.

I guess the last thing I should mention is work.  My role as Controller is ever-changing and growing. I spend a good portion of my time advising, mentoring and fixing problems.  The rest of my time is finding ways to manage and report the financials of four trucking companies and the other companies that are part of our network.  On top of my normal workload, we're preparing to move our Corporate Headquarters at the end of the year and I've been involved with the decision-making process for our new building as well.  Somedays (or most days), I don't know if I'm coming or going. I've realized this year that I'm aging when it comes to work -- partially due to the huge responsibilty I have, but also trying to balance my family, my workload and just life going on around me.

Happy New Year!

Happy 2022!  

We're a week into the New Year and I'm not much better at keeping up with the blog than I was in 2021.  There has been a lot going on and I'll tell you it's not easy to keep up with it all with 2 little ones but we're getting by.

The holidays passed in a blur but our boys enjoyed themselves and we got to catch up with family and introduce Connor to everyone.  We made the trek to Michigan before Christmas and then got to spend the holidays at home.  Declan asked for a remote control Dodge Ram and Santa graciously brought it for him and Connor got the diapers he (or Declan did on his behalf) asked for.

After the holiday, we all spent a few days together before getting ready for the New Year and ultimately for our new routine.  And this past Monday, our new routine started.  Connor started school and mom went back to work!  It was a bittersweet day for sure.  I was so happy to get back into the office but I did miss being with my Connor.  12 weeks passed by in a blink of an eye!

First Day Pic

Connor did great at school his first few days and then we got word that a teacher in his class tested positive for Covid so he was sent home early Friday morning.  So now, he's stuck in quarantine at home for the next 10 days.  So much for our new routine....

Thankfully Connor doesn't seem to have any symptoms and Declan appears to be doing fine also but we're watching both of them closely and keeping to ourselves....so pretty much what we've been doing throughout the pandemic.

I went back to the office on Monday, excited to be back with my team and back in the saddle.  I was glad to have the time off with Connor and to get to spend extra time with Declan but I missed work as well.  Work apparently missed me as well and I've been swamped since coming back but I thrive on the craziness.  With going back to the office, I received some exciting news -- I've been promoted to Controller!  I wasn't expecting it at all but I'm ready for the opportunity.  Our company has grown tremendously since I originally started back in 2005 and I'm extremely grateful for the faith they have in the work that I do and for allowing me to lead the Accounting and Billing teams at all 4 of the trucking companies and the other companies under our owner's umbrella.  

It's been an eventful 2022 so far one week in. I don't know what the rest of this year holds for us but I'm sure we will have a bunch going on.

Thanksgiving 2021 Recap

It's been about a week and a half since Thanksgiving but I still wanted to recap our holiday.  This year (as with most), we stayed in St. Louis to celebrate but D's sister and her family decided to come visit us and meet baby Connor and play with Declan.  Declan absolutely loves his cousins Quinn and Eli and had a blast with them this summer at the cabin and this visit was no different for him.  He couldn't wait to wake up Thanksgiving morning and see them in our house.  They all took off to play cars and other toys throughout our house.

Because I'm still trying to manage having two kids, I did not offer to host for Thanksgiving this year but luckily my mom was willing to cook and host at her house, so Thanksgiving afternoon we took the short drive over to her house with our guests and enjoyed Thanksgiving over there.  Since we were bringing a full crew with us, I did help her prepare some of the casseroles and the desserts for the big day.  The day was nice and everyone seemed to have fun.  The kids all played in Declan's room at Nana and Papa's and we made Christmas ornament shrink-i-dinks.

On Friday, we all got ready and headed to Main Street St. Charles for shopping and to visit Santa at Frontier Park.  The kids collected the Christmas Traditions trading cards from the characters along Main Street, got to eat cookies from Grandma's cookies and pick out bath bombs and bath scrubs from BathHouse Soapery (I've never known kids to be so excited over bath products!).  After shopping we headed to the Trainshed to visit with Santa.  I wasn't sure how Declan would do with Santa this year.  His first Christmas (2018) he slept through the visit; his second visit (2019) was at preschool and he just sat there unsure of him; last year (2020) due to the pandemic we didn't take him to see Santa, so this year, I was hoping he would be ok with meeting Santa.  Declan was so excited to see Santa and tell him what he and Connor wanted.  St. Charles took extra precautions and Santa was behind a window talking to the kids but Declan gave Santa his wish list -- a remote control Dodge Ram and "toys" and diapers and burp cloths for Connor.  Declan also made sure to introduce Santa to his baby brother.  (Anywhere we go, he makes sure that person knows that he has a baby brother named Connor.)  Connor, like Declan his first year, slept through the entire encounter.  Thank goodness Declan was there to give him Connor's wish list!

After a visit with Santa, we came home and had chicken wings from B. Hall's for dinner to celebrate uncle Kalvin's birthday, which was on Thanksgiving.

Saturday morning started out more of the same way with the kids getting up and starting their day playing.  Ash and Kalvin decided to make the trek home on Saturday to give them time to get back befoer heading back to work on Monday.  Michigan was also faced with a winter weather advisory and was expecting a good amount of snow, so they ended up heading out around noon.

On Sunday, we promised Declan we would put up our Christmas decorations and Christmas tree.  Throughout the day he asked about Quinn and Eli but we were thankful that putting up the Christmas stuff provided a bit of a distraction.

D took off of work on Monday so we decided to tackle a bit of our Christmas shopping as well as making a donation to Goodwill once we boxed up clothes and other household items we really didn't need anymore. It ended up being a really productive day for us.  We have our weekends together but it always seems like there isn't enough time to the "extras" we want or need to do.  Monday gave us the time to do that and get a good portion of our Christmas shopping done all before picking up Declan from preschool.

Overall it was a good Thanksgiving weekend and we were glad to spend it with family.  Up next for us is celebrating D's birthday and then Christmas with both of our families.  I'm still anxious about traveling with 2 kids and being out of my element and away from home but I'm hoping for the best.   

Our Family Picture from Thanksgiving

Connor is 6 weeks!

Connor is 6 weeks old today and really I can't believe it's already been 6 weeks since we started our journey as a family of four.

We're surviving so far!  Some days are rougher than others but we're getting by.  I thought going from 0 to 1 kid was going to be the hardest transition but 1 to 2 kids has given me a run for my money and I'm just glad that my kids are 3 years apart in age and not closer because the demand on this mama is real.  Thankfully my kids are adorable and still make me smile even when I'm beyond exhausted sometimes.

Funny story about the two pics below -- I try to get pictures of Declan and Connor when they are together and when I ask Declan to smile, he tells me he's not in the mood for pictures so I miss out on some adorable moments.  But there are days we're playing in Connor's room after Declan gets home from school and the only thing Declan wants to do is sit in the rocking chair and pose for pictures with his brother.  Those are the times when I don't have my phone handy so he tells me, "Mom, get your phone and take a picture of us."  And of course, when I snap a pic I get these cheesy grins from Declan.  Cracks me up every time.

Last week I took Connor in for his one month checkup and he's a growing boy!

Here are his one month stats compared to Declan's:

Weight: 9 lbs 15.6 ozs (45%)  /  8 lbs 14.6 ozs (22%)

Length: 21.75 inches (52%)  /  22.75 inches (94%)

Head: 38.5 cm (81%)  /  36.75 cm (32%)

I also did a side by side of their one month pics and was so surprised.  I really think they look more alike than what this picture shows.

Also, it's interesting because I thought Connor was so much smaller than Declan but I guess I'm just a bit foggy when it comes to remembering Declan's newborn days.  So far, Connor has not taken as much interest in the Baby Einstein mat like Declan did at this age.  Anytime he lays on it, he's content for a few minutes and then wants to be up and about.  Connor is more about cuddles and looking around while being held on someone's shoulder.  He's found his voice in the last week and will coo and babble and smile at you.  It's the sweetest.

We're still working on sleeping through the night and getting a schedule in place.  Hopefully we'll get this mastered in the next few weeks and we'll be ready for the holidays and for when I go back to work in January.

Halloween 2021

Happy November!

Last night was Halloween and Declan had so much fun trick-or-treating throughout the neighborhood and passing out candy to the other kids.  We let Declan pick out his costume again this year and this season he chose to be a fire truck. He really has a love for vehicles -- last year he was an excavator, this year he had to be a fire truck, not a firefighter, but a fire truck. We set out in September to buy his costume because I wasn't sure how I'd feel in October going out with a newborn and finding a costume.  Thankfully Target had exactly what we needed and Declan has been super excited for Halloween since that time.

Saturday night we carved our pumpkin and all day Sunday he asked if it was time to go trick-or-treating. Finally after a quick dinner of Taco Bell at 5 pm, we got him ready at 5:45 and let him go and check out the neighborhood. I stayed home with Connor and my mom but we did spend some time outside setting out the treat bags for the kids visiting our house and catching up with our neighbors.  Similar to last year, we decided to be more cautious and we put a table in our driveway with prefilled treat bags for the trick-or-treaters. Declan made his rounds with the help of D and Michael and got back home around 6:30 so happy with his loot.

Connor was unimpressed with Halloween and spent most of his time sleeping in his stroller covered up while we were outside but he did look adorable in his Halloween outfit picked out by Declan. Overall it was a good night, but it was tough getting Declan ready for bed and preparing him for school today. I never thought I'd say this, but I've turned into the mom that would prefer for Halloween to be on the last Saturday of the month rather than whatever day the 31st falls on. It would make my life so much easier rather than trying to explain to a toddler that he can't eat all of his candy and he needs to get to bed and get some rest after all of the Halloween excitement because the next day is a school day.

Anyway, here are some pics of our fun:

Declan picking out his pumpkin.

Declan cleaning out his pumpkin and getting ready to carve it.

Practicing his firefighting Halloween Eve.

Our Little Fire Engine

Connor enjoying his Halloween outfit, picked out by brother.

My boys

Looking Back

The other day, I decided to go back through the early days of my blog, just to reminice a bit. While I didn't read all of my old posts, I did find a post from 2009 that was interesting.  Apparently I took some quiz "Which Mad-Men Era Female Icon Are You?"  and got Marilyn Monroe as my personality type. It was pretty accurate back in 2009 for me but looking back on it now as a mom and I have to say, it still is so true.

So here are those results and my comments looking back 12 years, a husband and two kids later.

You are a Marilyn - I am affectionate and skeptical.

Marilyns are responsible, trustworthy, and value loyalty to family, friends, groups, and causes. Their personalities range broadly from reserved and timid to outspoken and confrontative.

How to Get Along with Me

* Be direct and clear  (this is so true as a wife now -- I can't read minds, even though I do try to think ahead and take care of all of the needs of my family, I now realize communication is key)

* Listen to me carefully (even more true as a wife and mom now and in a house full of boys, I'm usually only partially heard)

* Don't judge me for my anxiety (I'm even more anxious now than I was 12 years ago unfortunately)

* Work things through with me

* Reassure me that everything is OK between us

* Laugh and make jokes with me (I could use more of this these days. It's what drew me to my husband but sometimes this gets pushed aside due to all of the seriousness in the world nowadays. This will continue to be a goal for me in the future.)

* Gently push me toward new experiences

* Try not to overreact to my overreacting. (something D & I always have to work on in our marriage)

What I Like About Being a Marilyn

* being committed and faithful to family and friends

* being responsible and hardworking (I pride myself on this all day, every day)

* being compassionate toward others

* having intellect and wit (YES!!!)

* being a nonconformist

* confronting danger bravely

* being direct and assertive (I've found my voice in 12 years and probably am more direct now than ever before and am not scared to use my voice)

What's Hard About Being a Marilyn

* the constant push and pull involved in trying to make up my mind (my life in a nutshell)

* procrastinating because of fear of failure; having little confidence in myself

* fearing being abandoned or taken advantage of

* exhausting myself by worrying and scanning for danger (as a mom, this is my constant fear these days)

* wishing I had a rule book at work so I could do everything right (AMEN!)

* being too critical of myself when I haven't lived up to my expectations (YEP!!!  And my expectations are to always be super woman)

Marilyns as Children Often

* are friendly, likable, and dependable, and/or sarcastic, bossy, and stubborn (I'd like to think I'm dependable, but I'm also a bit sarcastic and stubborn at times or according to D, all of the time.)

* are anxious and hypervigilant; anticipate danger (I think as I've aged, these are my main personality attributes)

* form a team of "us against them" with a best friend or parent

* look to groups or authorities to protect them and/or question authority and rebel

* are neglected or abused, come from unpredictable or alcoholic families, and/or take on the fearfulness of an overly anxious parent

Marilyns as Parents

* are often loving, nurturing, and have a strong sense of duty (I always want to be known as the best mom ever)

* are sometimes reluctant to give their children independence

* worry more than most that their children will get hurt (I'd wrap my boys in bubble-wrap if I could)

* sometimes have trouble saying no and setting boundaries

I shared this with D last night. It was quite eye-opening for him as I didn't know him when I took the quiz all those years ago but he agreed, most of what he read was me to a tee. I guess the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Mid-October Check In

The last two weeks have passed in a blur but we're surviving our new life as a family of four.  I feel like I'm in a constant state of tired but I can't blame that on anyone but myself. With only being nearly 3 weeks postpartum, I feel the need to keep myself busy doing something with my time off and so much so that yesterday I finally hit a wall.  Yesterday I ended up spending most of my day napping on the couch with Connor and pretty much forgetting anything I needed to do. It felt nice just getting to cuddle with my newborn but I did feel guilty last night that I let everything else go.  (Typical Lindsay feelings.) I guess I more than made up for it today as I did a few loads of laundry, packed up Declan's summer clothes, got treat bags ready for Halloween and took care of my Connor boy.

Last week, Connor had a weight check at the pediatrician on Monday and he was above his birth weight (woohoo!), so we got to forgo his 2 week check up on Thursday. He's eating like a champ, taking bottles and occasionally nursing and keeping to a pretty consistent feeding schedule. He's starting sleeping a bit more at night as well and I've not had to set my alarm to wake him every 2 hours in order to eat.  He'll wake every 3-4 hours on his own and then go back to sleep fairly easily.

Last Thursday, Declan had his 3 year old checkup at the pediatrician and his first dentist appointment. He's doing well growth-wise and had an excellent first visit with the dentist. I was unsure if he would let the hygienist actually clean his teeth but he had no problems with that or the x-rays she took.  He also let the dentist check out his teeth and his overall bite without any issue and he got an application of fluoride.  We celebrated by having "old McDonald's" for lunch with Daddy and Nana.

On Saturday, we had a visit from my Dad, Ryan, Kahla, Henry and Abby. Everyone got to meet Connor and Declan had so much fun playing with his cousins. We celebrated my Dad's birthday while they were here with dinner from Pickleman's and bundtinis from Nothing Bundt Cakes and we got to catch the Blues game on tv.

This week we're getting ready for Halloween. Declan has a Halloween party at school on Friday and we have to carve our pumpkin later in the week so we're ready for the weekend. Declan is going to be a fire truck and Connor will just be in a cute Halloween outfit picked out by his big brother. We're still playing it pretty safe with trick-or-treating this year and plan to put a table out in our driveway with treat bags similar to last year.  D will still take Declan around in the neighborhood but I'll just stay inside with Connor or far away from everyone if the weather is decent and we can be outside.  One thing I do know is that Declan is super excited. Halloween is his absolute favorite holiday and I know he's going to have so much fun!

Connor is HERE!!!

As expected last Thursday, I headed into the hospital for my scheduled induction and a mere 6 and a half hours later, we were the proud parents of Connor Rhys!

Everyone had been on pins and needles the week leading up to my induction. My mom planned a birth lottery with friends and family to estimate Connor's due date, people at work kept asking how I was feeling or if I was having contractions and I was just trying to get through my last few days in the office and wrap things up so I could leave work at work for awhile. I knew I wouldn't go into labor early. Based upon my doctor's appointments and where Connor was, I was confident I'd be going to the hospital for my scheduled induction. I know I had that thought with Declan but this time my induction was scheduled for a week earlier and I hadn't had any signs of labor that made me believe otherwise.

Sure enough, I made it to Thursday morning and we headed to the hospital at 5:30 am for my 6 am induction. I was nervous as I had no idea what to expect but the hospital staff was awesome and put me at ease from the time I got up to the Family Birthplace and got settled in my birthing suite. By 6:30 am, I was settled in bed, they started my IV of Pitocin and ran through a battery of questions for my chart. To start, I was already 3 centimeters dilated and 50-80% effaced (depending on who checked) and the doctor's instructions were to up the Pitocin every 30 minutes until I started laboring on my own. Come to find out, I was having contractions every 4-7 minutes but really couldn't feel them at all.  It was a good sign though and we were well on our way.

After my epidural failed with Declan's birth, I was adamant I would get it in enough time this time to ensure I was somewhat comfortable through delivery with Connor. The nurses were extremely supportive and made sure to get the anesthesiologist scheduled and the epidural in place before they broke my water. Around 9-9:30 am, I got my epidural and shortly thereafter the house doctor came in and broke my water.  I still wasn't very far along, only about 4 centimeters but at least I would be comfortable throughout the remainder of my labor and delivery. It was really weird getting the epidural, my legs were tingly and heavy but I wasn't completely numb. It did the trick though and I didn't feel pain. Around 10:45 am, I had progressed to 6 centimeters and besides feeling some pressure in my pelvis, I was doing ok.  At 11:30 am, I had made it to 10 centimeters and was fully effaced and my nurse made the call to my doctor so we could begin delivery. My doctor arrived a little after 12 pm and started her prep for Connor's delivery, my mom and Dustin got into place along with the delivery team and with 3 strong pushes, Connor arrived at 12:32 pm, weighing 7 lbs 0 ozs and 20.5 inches long.  He was absolutely precious and I couldn't believe that I was actually able to birth my second son.  They laid him on my chest and I didn't ever want to let go of him. Along with skin to skin, I was able to start nursing him and thankfully he took to it like a champ.

In the late afternoon, we were moved out of the birthing suite to a different recovery room because there were so many other women scheduled for inductions or just due to have babies and they needed to make sure the rooms were ready to go. We spent the rest of the day adjusting to life with a newborn and then catching up with family letting them know Connor had arrived.  We FaceTimed with Declan after preschool and he was so excited to see his brother even though Connor slept through the entire introduction.

On Friday, Connor had his 25 hour assessment and I had a checkup with my doctor.  Both went well and because we had no complications we were released from the hospital around 5:30 pm and headed home to start our life as a family of 4. Declan met Connor in person for the first time and you could see the pure joy in his face seeing his little brother. He was concerned with why Connor wasn't talking to him but we explained that he was just a newborn and mostly slept and occasionally cried. Declan showed Connor his Hot Wheels and then wanted to hold him.  My heart was filled with so much joy!

Yesterday we took Connor to the pediatrician for his first checkup. He's down a bit in weigh which is expected and has the slightest bit of jaundice but other than that is doing well.  We go back on Wednesday morning for another weight check. I'm attempting nursing with Connor with the occasional formula supplement. I'm trying not to put too much pressure on myself this time and know that a fed baby is more important than anything else.  

Overall I know, I have two of the most perfect boys and I'm the luckiest mom in the world.

Declan is THREE!!!

Declan turned 3 one week ago today.  It's beyond hard to believe that my first born is now a 3 year old and a big brother.

Because Declan's birthday fell on a weekday and we were so close to Connor's arrival, we decided to postpone a big birthday party and just celebrate Tuesday night with my mom and Michael and us. We woke Declan up Tuesday morning excited for his birthday and made it a point to make it all about him.  He said the most precious thing when we went to get him up though....he asked if baby Connor would be here for his birthday.  It was the absolute sweetest and while I knew we still had a few more days for baby Connor's arrival, I told him Connor would celebrate Declan's birthday in my belly. Declan went to school on Tuesday and we sent treats to celebrate with his class.  After school, we let him decide what he wanted to eat for dinner and had a mini party.  

It is so funny when it comes to asking a 3 year old what he wants for dinner.  The weekend before we started prepping him asking him what sounded good for his birthday meal.  He would say, "I don't know" or "french fries and tator tots" or "Old McDonald's".  We couldn't get a straight answer out of him and it was constantly changing.  We figured we'd ask again after school on Tuesday to see what his final decision was.  I picked Declan up after school and told him we had to figure out dinner so he could have his birthday cake for dessert.  His final request for birthday dinner was teriyaki chicken from Panda Express.  It's hilarious because there wasn't one point in the week/weekend before that he even mentioned Panda but we know he loves it and it was one of the very first restaurants we took him too once he started eating table food so it ended up being the perfect birthday meal for him.

After dinner with Nana, Papa and us, we sang Happy Birthday and enjoyed the orange cake Declan and Nana baked for his birthday and Declan opened his birthday gifts. Declan is currently obsessed with Hot Wheels and got plenty of them for his new car case and track. He also got kinetic sand, wooden blocks, books, coloring books, a spelling and numbers game, an LED writing board and from "boring mom and dad," new fall clothes.

I created the collage below for Declan's birthday and I had so many emotions when going through the photos. It is still so hard to believe that Declan is three and no longer a baby.  The time has passed so fast and I adore all of the memories we've created with him so far and can't wait to see what else the future holds for my sweet boy.

Declan excited for us to sing Happy Birthday to him!

Declan showing off some of his many Hot Wheels cars. He's so smart, he looked at each car and then told us the make and model. He amazes me every day with the things he knows!

Overall he had a great birthday and we're working on a time to celebrate with the rest of our family in the upcoming weeks.

38 Weeks and we have a Preschooler!

Declan officially became a preschooler this week!  He had a great week in his new class and was reunited with his buddy from his old class, Elliot, who moved up a few months ago.  From everything I heard from the teachers and other staff, Declan had no issues jumping right in and wasn't the least bit uncomfortable with the move.  (So different from his mom who worries and has a hard time with change!)

Here are a few pics of his week:

He worked on letters, numbers, shapes and cutting and did an awesome job with each of the projects they worked on.  I'm in awe at his vocabulary and each day he surprises me with new words and phrases he knows. It is still so unbelievable to me that my baby boy is so grown up and that in a few short days he'll be 3 and soon after that a big brother.

Speaking of being a big brother, next week is the big week.  I had my 38 week checkup yesterday and everything is on track.  It was my last checkup before my induction next week.  Connor passed his last biophysical profile and my cervical check revealed I'm 2.5 cm dilated and 80% effaced.  He's happily hanging out and I really haven't felt contractions that have prompted me to think I'm heading into labor anytime soon. I did decide to take a bump pic again...only my second for this pregnancy.  I've never really been one to track my bump each week, but with knowing this is my last pregnancy, I wanted one more pic to document this journey.

 It's been a whirlwind 9 months, but really it's been a wild 4 years starting this IVF endeavor. I remember feeling so down after meeting with the fertility doc back in September 2017, feeling so excited learning I was pregnant with Declan in February 2018, feeling nervous about trying again in January 2021 and then being excited again learning my last frozen embryo became a successful pregnancy with baby Connor.  The best way to summarize the IVF journey is that sometimes the struggles make us stronger.