Baby R -- week 25 update

We're already in July and our little boy is now the size of a rutabaga and according to my the tech at my follow up anatomy scan on Thursday is weighing 1 lb 11 oz.

Last week, I had my monthly doctors appointment on Wednesday and my follow up anatomy scan on Thursday and both went fairly well minus one small hiccup. At my doctor's appointment, both my blood pressure and my belly size were normal for Declan's gestational age and his heart rate was a strong 144 bpm.  She asked how everything was going and also made sure to tell me that if my job becomes too stressful and affects my health, I need to let her know so she can provide doctor's orders in order to ease my workload.  While it is stressful and I'm working far more than I should, I don't want to have any restrictions just yet. I really want to keep my time off limited to after Declan's born so I can spend as much time as possible with him.
The doctor had me take my 1 hour glucose test while I was there as well.  I drank the orange drink in record time (it really tasted good...I don't know what other pregnant women are talking about when they say its gross, I found it refreshing!) and then had to go to the lab to have blood work completed. Unfortunately, my insurance doesn't allow me to go to the lab at the doctor's office. I sat there waiting for my appointment only to find out that I had to drive to a different lab a few miles away because they take my insurance. It was a bit nerve-wracking hoping I would make it within the hour time frame needed for the blood work but thankfully the other lab was fairly quiet and I was able to get there a few minutes before I was due for the draw. After the draw, I headed back to work for the monthly Financial meeting with our owner.

Thursday morning, my follow up Anatomy scan was scheduled for 8 am so before heading to work, D and I drove to the hospital for that. The tech was finally able to get the shots she needed of Declan's heart and with a lot of poking, prodding and rolling around on the ultrasound table, we got him to move in order to get the pics of his face that were also needed. He seems to love to face towards my back and snuggle in rather than show off so it took a bit to get him to face forward. He was super active though moving his arms and legs throughout the process and both the tech and I felt his displeasure with being moved in order for us to get pics of his profile.  It was the absolute cutest little face though! He even stuck out his tongue and yawned a few times as if he was telling us not to bother him. I just love this little guy, he's just so amazing and I'm excited to be his mama!  I left the hospital and got to work at 9 am and started my crazy workday.

While at work, I got a notification that my test results from my one hour glucose test were in. Unfortunately my results were elevated and I did not pass as I had hoped. The doctor's office called and told me that I needed to schedule a 3 hour Glucose Tolerance test for this upcoming week. The 3 hour test is apparently more accurate and hopefully with provide better results. So after talking to the doctor's office, I worked to find a time that I could go to the lab for the 3 hour test. Because I have to sit and have blood work every hour for 3 hours after this next test, I opted to schedule it for Saturday, July 7th so I didn't have to miss too much time at work. It bummed me out that I failed the 1 hour Glucose test but after researching a bit, I found out that many pregnant women have to take the 3 hour test. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this test comes back with much better results. I really haven't been eating many sweets and I've continued to workout so I am hopeful the results will be better. I just want to maintain a healthy pregnancy and carry Declan full term with no issues.

This weekend, we started setting up Declan's room.  My mom and Michael bought his crib and mattress and it was delivered last week. Yesterday they came out and helped us build it and get Dustin's desk downstairs. It took a bit longer than expected because the entire thing needed to be built but thankfully it is done and ready for Declan's arrival. We also unrolled the new rug I bought last weekend and moved the rocker into place. Kinny came in to help us too.  She's getting excited to become a big sister in a few months. After the room was put together, we went to dinner with my mom and Michael and spent a few hours just relaxing on the couch watching Diners, Drive-ins and Dives.

 Next up for us is getting the dresser in and built.  Grandma and Grandpa Roberts purchased the matching dresser for us last week and it's expected to be delivered this week. It will take more help from our family since neither D or I are handy enough to do it ourselves. We'll have a crew out here on July 14th when we have our shower so hopefully we can get it completed then.

It's so hard to believe but our St. Louis baby shower is now in less than 2 weeks. I've still got quite a list of prep work I need to get through to make sure we're ready. RSVPs are due today so hopefully I will have a better idea of how many guests to expect so I can finish the preparations over the next 10 days. Next weekend, I need to buy the food so we can start preparing it a day or two ahead of time, print out the games and pick up a few other last minute things. The shower here will probably be smaller than the one in Michigan but I still want it to be a memorable day and fun for our guests. My mom has been making chocolates and Lifesaver pacifiers and seems to be enjoying helping me with the little details. I'm so grateful to have her help!

Baby R -- week 23 update

Our little boy is the size of a papaya this week and continuing to grow and move like crazy! I'm still in awe every time I feel him move and I just can't wait to meet this little fella in October.

We scheduled our childbirth classes and tours to the two hospitals that my doctor can deliver at. We'll go visit and take classes throughout the month of July. Our classes start on Wednesday, July 11th and last 5 weeks and will hopefully give us a good understanding of what to expect throughout labor and delivery. We also get to tour the maternity suites and meet the staff and then we'll decide which hospital we'll plan to have our little guy at. Thankfully both hospitals are close for us -- one is 3 miles away where my doc has privileges at and the other is 6 miles away and is my doctor's main hospital.

Last weekend, we helped my bro and sister-in-law move into their new house and while we were there we picked up a recliner rocker for Declan's bedroom. I had been looking for chairs online and the one I picked out on Amazon increased in price dramatically over the last few weeks to the point where it was just far too expensive for my tastes. In the meantime, I talked to my bro, who works at a local furniture store and he was able to send me a few ideas of what we could do instead of buying the overly priced chair and ottoman I found online. I fell in love with a slim gray microfiber recliner rocker  that matches perfectly and he gifted it to us for Declan's room. Kahla also gave us some of the most adorable clothes that she picked up while out shopping one day. They are so cute and so small and we are so grateful for her generosity! This little boy is so loved by our family! While we were out helping with the move we also got a chance to visit my dad and celebrate Father's Day a week early with him.

This week I finished up the invitations and dropped them in the mail for our baby shower in July.  It will be here 4 short weeks from today and we're excited to get to celebrate with our family and friends. I've got a bit more planning to do with my mom but I think we have the menu, some decorations and a couple games figured out. We'll finalize everything in the coming weeks.

Today I had a hair appointment and while I was waiting for my new highlights to set in, I uploaded some pictures to print out to add to Declan's "before birth" baby book. It's a photo album I started when we were on our IVF journey and I've added all of the sonogram pics and various other memories from the pregnancy so far.  I picked them up on my way home and worked to get those added to his book this evening.

We're going to try to enjoy the last few weeks of June with very little planned before we head into an extremely busy July and August.

Baby R -- week 21 update

We've already made it past the end of May and earlier this week I had my anatomy scan and monthly doctor's appointment.  Everything is on track and our little dude is now 15 ounces and quite the mover and shaker (or kicker!).
On Thursday D and I went to the hospital and had the anatomy scan with the Maternal and Fetal Medicine team. This was similar to an ultrasound but more in depth in order to check on all aspects of the baby. They looked at his heart, brain, kidneys, stomach and other growing internal organs, as well as all of his bones, including his spine and his all of his external extremities.  Let's just say, this little boy was not thrilled with the tech looking at him and he made sure to make her job difficult by moving every 2 seconds so she had a hard time getting a good look at him.  Of course, my little guy would have a mind of his own and march to his own beat!
From what we could tell, he's growing perfectly but I do have to go back at the end of the month so they can get a better look at his face because he wouldn't show it at all.  He kept putting his hand up to his face or turning his back to us....little stinker.  They also want a more in depth look at the chambers of his heart as well just to make sure they've reviewed everything thoroughly.

He's been moving a lot and I've been able to feel his kicks with some force over the last few weeks. We were out a few weeks ago, May 12th, the day before Mother's Day to be exact, and while D was driving, I started feeling flutters in my tummy.  At first, I wasn't 100% sure that it was movement, but as it continued I realized it was Declan and not just gas.  It was such an exciting and unreal experience and while this pregnancy has felt real since we started IVF, it really took it to another amazing level for me.  Since then, he's made sure to let me know what he does and doesn't like from his movement. Today, D and I were talking about a gluten-free diet today (for D, not me) and as we're talking, I could tell Declan was not happy about the possibility of his mom cutting out his "important" carbs and he made it known by continuously kicking until we stopped talking about it. While I don't think Declan knows what a carb is, it was still funny that he was making his position known.

After my anatomy scan on Thursday, I had my regular doctor's appointment. She checked his heartbeat on the doppler and it was 144 bpm. She also measured my belly and told me I was right on track. My belly has popped in the last few weeks and you can definitely tell I'm pregnant now. I still fit into a few of my regular clothes but I have also started wearing maternity clothes because they are much more comfortable. Declan also does not like when my pants are too tight and has made that known to me as well with his kicks.

We also talked to her about creating our birth plan and asked about signing up for birthing classes. She told us we have a choice of 2 hospitals close to us to give birth. The first is the hospital where we had the anatomy scan and her main hospital n the same network, which is 6 miles from our house and the other is a hospital where she has privileges but is affiliated with another network, which is 3 miles from our house. Ultimately she said that we need to pick a hospital where we like the entire staff and feel like they are best suited for us. We're going to visit both and see which one we feel more comfortable with and then make a decision. We ended up booking tours for both hospitals and set up our birthing classes at the closer hospital because they had a better schedule for us and we'll complete everything throughout the months of July and August.

We've settled on dates for our baby showers too and I've been working to create the invitations for the St. Louis shower over the last week. We couldn't get the clubhouse in our neighborhood in August so we chose to have the St. Louis shower in mid-July and then the Lansing shower in mid-August. I created the invitations for St. Louis and with the help of my mom we'll tackle the decorations and food as it gets closer. I'm not quite sure what's going on for the Lansing shower and I don't know if Dustin's family will want my help or not. Luckily we do have a bit more time for that one.

Outside of the pregnancy, we've had quite a bit going on there also! Nicole graduated from college the first weekend in May with her Bachelors in Science in Criminal Justice.  She graduated a year early and we're so proud of her! That same weekend, Kahla asked me to be a bridesmaid in her and Ryan's wedding next year. D was also asked to be a groomsman for my brother. We're both so excited for them and can't wait for their wedding.
The following weekend D and I went to an event at a local animal rescue and learned about volunteer opportunities that they have. We're looking to reach out and help with the cats that are looking to be adopted. We have our volunteer training in July and then will spend a day or two a month helping out as we can. Mother's Day was also that weekend and we got to spend the day with my mom and step-dad. We went to the riverfront in St. Charles and walked around, browsing the shops and had lunch.
Last weekend was Memorial Day and we needed the extra day off! Saturday we did chores around the house, Sunday I went to brunch with Shell and we got to catch up since her last visit home nearly 3 years ago.  After brunch, we picked up D and went to her brother's for a BBQ.  We had a great relaxing afternoon just enjoying some time outside of our house.  Monday we got ready for the week ahead and spent a few hours at the neighborhood pool.  It was a blistering hot weekend and some time at the pool was much needed!  It was hard to go back to work on Tuesday but we both seemed to make it through the week albeit we were again ready for the weekend by the time Friday rolled around. Today, we went and signed the papers to have our deck redone and then went to lunch. It's been a pretty low key day again which has been nice.  We know these will be few and far between as the month's keep passing and our active baby boy makes his was into the world so we'll enjoy it while we can!

Baby R -- week 17 update

We're officially at 17 weeks as of today and Baby R is now the size of a turnip or pine cone depending on what pregnancy site you're on.  I had my 16 week doctor's appointment on Tuesday and my doc told me everything looks great.  The baby's heartbeat is strong at 150 bpm and everything seems to be on track.
We got the results of my Natera test back on April 13th and we got great news!  We are considered low risk for a multitude of serious genetic disorders and we found out the gender of our bundle of joy!
We're having a.....

BOY!!!

We're so excited and can not wait to meet him! And we've even decided on a name. It was far easier for us to come up with boys names than girls names so it was a relief to know that we're expecting a little boy. In fact, we had his name picked out before we even knew the gender. D wasn't set on even picking a girl's name until we knew we were having a girl so we were lucky to find out we're having a boy so we wouldn't have to go through the name debate for a girl. I'm not sure why it was so much easier picking out a boy's name for us but we actually agreed upon a name early on and it stuck.  The name we picked has a lot of meaning to it and while I've liked the name for quite some time, it only took me telling D the meaning that made him agree, it's the perfect name for our little dude.

Our little guy's name will be Declan James!

From Babycenter.com:

What does Declan mean?

A traditional Irish name meaning "man of prayer" or "full of goodness." St. Declan founded an Irish monastery in Ireland and St. Declan's Stone as purportedly been the site of many miracles.

Our baby is definitely a miracle and we're so happy to add this sweet boy to our family!!

Over the past few weeks we've started working on his bedroom and while I was planning to paint the room gray and go with a gray and turquoise color scheme of the bedding I bought but we've decided to leave the room the light blue we painted it when we moved into the house a few years ago. Declan's room will be D's office and we're moving D's office to the basement. We started cleaning out the room, moving furniture and purchased new drapes to match both the bedding and the walls.

Last weekend, we finally has some nice springtime weather and decided to make a trip to the Outlet Malls. I was in need of some maternity clothes as my clothes are starting to get uncomfortable. We stopped into Carters and Gymboree and D was like a kid in a candy store picking out clothes for his little one. Who knew he would love shopping for boy's clothes so much! Thankfully both stores had major sales and we didn't spend a fortune on clothes that will only last a short time.  I didn't fair as well at the Outlet Malls, since I also didn't want to spend a fortune on clothes and settled on a few items (leggings, a top, and a dress) from Burlington for far less than the cost of one dress at the maternity clothing store.

I go back to the doctor at the end of the month for my 20 week anatomy scan and next appointment. Being "high risk" with going through IVF and being 35, I've got to have a full scan done at the hospital. This is typically when a "normal" pregnant woman would find out the gender but for us it's just to make sure that everything continues to progress at the correct rate. This will also give us a chance to check out the hospital where we'll most likely have the baby. 

Up next for us is settling on dates for both a Michigan and Missouri baby shower. I think we've decided the best time will be in August as it will still give us time to get everything ready before Declan's debut in October but it's not too early as that is not proper etiquette according to all the books and blogs we've been reading. Where, when, food, games....it's a lot to plan for two celebrations so we're trying to get a head start.

It's such an exciting time for us and we can't wait for what's ahead!

Baby R -- week 13 update

So the cat is out of the bag (no pun intended for Kinny!) and over Easter weekend we told both of our families we’re expecting a baby on October 11, 2018. To say everyone was excited is an understatement. Both of our families are thrilled and can’t wait!
A few reasons why I haven’t posted since we found out - one I wanted to make it a surprise for my family and while no one reads my blog, I didn’t want to give it away. Two, I wanted go just enjoy the first few weeks with D and try to figure out a game plan for our future and three, well I’ve been just plain exhausted through the first trimester. Keeping my eyes open has always been a challenge, I love sleep and wow, have I needed so much more for Baby R!

I’m almost through the first trimester or I am through it according to some books being 13 weeks and I’m feeling really good. I haven’t had any morning sickness and have only felt nauseous when I don’t get enough protein. Protein has been my biggest craving so far and especially red meat. I’ve wanted burgers, steak and roast beef sandwiches nearly every day. I’ve also been on a big kick with buffalo chicken. My once sweet tooth has pretty much gone away and I only want gummy bears, not for the sweetness but for the chewiness. I never knew how real cravings were or how emotional I’d get trying to figure out dinner. But, I have to say I absolutely love being pregnant right now and knowing after such a struggle, we have a little one waiting to meet us in October.
Besides our families, I had to tell work which hasn’t gone quite as planned. It’s been a struggle there and so much so, I’ve had to finally ask to pull back the reins and move me from the Manager of the department to just an Accountant. It was a hard decision and after a lot of tears I know it’s the right decision for me and my growing family. I think it would have been more bearable for me to remain manager if I had a full staff but since finding out we’re having a baby, I’ve only had half of a staff and not many leads on new employees or my ideas have been shot down, which has been extremely disheartening. This is my chance to do what I needed to do to take care of myself. Thankfully despite the pressure, I’ve held my ground for myself, which has brought a lot of extra stress and tears but I will hopefully be back on track to focus on me. I will say working in a male dominated industry has been rough. They don't quite get why I've decided to pull back and have been a bit rude about my decisions. All I can hope right now is that I can make it through the next 6 months dealing with the ridiculousness there and then enjoy my time off with our little one. I'm also debating on what sort of work schedule changes I'll make after my FMLA expires.

Right now though, I want to focus on the positive and enjoy this exciting time in our lives.  On March 9th, I graduated from the Fertility clinic to a regular OBGYN. We met her the following Friday for our first appointment and confirmation that I am indeed pregnant. At the appointment, we had an ultrasound and we talked to the doctor about what to expect throughout the pregnancy. She answered so many questions and eased our minds.  Here's a pic of our bundle of joy from our visit:

I went back to the doctor on Tuesday for my 12 week appointment. My new OBGYN is awesome. I really like her and I'm so glad I decided to find a doctor that not only is looking out for our baby's health but also my own. I'm no spring chicken in terms of pregnancy. In fact, the doctor classified me of "advanced maternal age" since I'm 35 and she's taking that into consideration with each visit. This time we talked about genetic testing and her recommendations since I am older. I decided to go with a test called Natera. It is a Panoramic test that not only checks out many genetic issues but also will allow us to find out the gender of the baby sooner. I had the blood work done after my appointment and hopefully will see the results within 7 business days. Ultimately, I don't have a preference on the gender but just hope that we have a happy, healthy baby.

Everyone has been so great since we announced our news. On Wednesday my mom texted me and told me that while she was out shopping, she happened to have a few things jump into her cart for us.  Besides the few items we've bought ourselves, this is our first baby gift, which was so sweet!

Yesterday we got a cute surprise at our door. We were getting ready to go downtown to get my hair done and run a few other errands and before we left, a florist dropped off the cutest arrangement of flowers. Grandma and Grandpa R sent us flowers as a congratulations and it was one of the nicest gestures I could have asked for.

I think everyone is as excited as D, Kinny and I are about our newest addition!

Day 31 -- The Results Are In!

The Philadelphia Eagles are Super Bowl Champions! Can you believe it?!? We ended up hanging out at our friends house for the whole game with our friends while eating Mexican food and had a blast watching the game and the commercials.

But I'm guessing the results of the game aren't really important right now are they? The results we've been anticipating for two weeks are finally in as well.
Monday I got up and drank a ton of water before getting to Quest at 6:35 in the morning. Took a second to get my veins flowing but thankfully we didn't have any issues getting the vial filled so they could check my hCG and progesterone levels. I anxiously awaited the results and finally at 1:47 pm my Fertility Coordinator called and asked if I was feeling pregnant. I responded, "well I'm really hoping I am!" She told me that according to my levels I am pregnant. My hCG was at 1569 and my progesterone was at 86.0. I was so happy at the news! It's exactly what we've been waiting to hear for months! She explained I still needed to go on Wednesday to check my levels again but that the doctor wanted to start my regular OB appointments to check on everything. I set up my first appointment for next Friday, Feb 16th at 1:15 pm.
After my call with my Coordinator, I walked into the hall and called D and gave him the exciting news.  He was equally as elated hearing that we're pregnant!  I wish I could have seen his face but I'm also glad I didn't wait until after work to tell him. When we got home, we gave Kinny the news too -- D picked her up and we told her, "Kinny, you're going to be a Big Sister!" I'd say she was pretty happy too.

Today I went back to Quest for my second round of bloodwork. Again getting there at 6:35 and while I again drank so much water beforehand, the phlebotomist had to massage my arm to get my vein flowing but I was in and out fairly quickly and made my way to work. At 11:19 this morning my other Fertility Coordinator called and even though I had my phone sitting on my desk, I missed her call. I called her back quickly and got more good news! My hCG has more than doubled to 3970 and my progesterone level is at 96.4. We're moving in the right direction...yeah!! I texted D with the good news and he again was thrilled.

It's been hard to concentrate at work waiting for the calls and thinking about our future but I'm beyond excited to see what is in store for us! We have had one change this week that I'm working through -- D is out of town for a few days at a conference and I can't give myself my progesterone oil injections so I had to get a few suppository samples from the doctor's office in order to get my required progesterone each day. This morning was the first day without my injection and I have to say, I actually prefer the shot over the suppositories three times a day. Who knew...the gal that is afraid of needles actual misses her daily injections. I almost think I could give them to myself but I'm still not sure I could look at the needle puncturing my skin....knowing me, I'd probably still faint. Luckily D is back on Friday so we'll restart my injections bright and early on Saturday morning.
I'm still feeling really good, no real symptoms to speak of so far and I'm maintaining as much positivity so that my body continues to respond the way I need it to.

Day 27 -- Only a few more days of waiting

We're still in our two week wait but it is quickly ending. I go in for blood tests on both Monday and Wednesday and we should finally have some answers. I've read articles that say you shouldn't be too positive or too negative about the IVF process and the outcome but I don't know if I agree with that, I'd like to hope that being positive will have a positive result in my body.

I'm still feeling really good. Occasionally I will have some cramps in the evening time, especially over the last week or so but otherwise I'm feeling fine. I've taken Ibuprofen a few nights when they've become too much of a nuisance. Last night was possibly the worst night of cramps and as I got to thinking about it, I have a feeling it was more of constipation pain than regular cramps (TMI, I know...sorry!). That's the main side effect I seem to be experiencing from the progesterone oil. I drank some apple juice this morning and we also picked up some prunes today and I'm hoping this will do the trick.

My 35th birthday was on the 29th and I can honestly say, it was the first day in about a month that I've let the stress and my emotions overtake me. It was an extremely busy day at work with our yearly audit starting, along with it being a Monday and having conference calls and meetings pop up all throughout the day. I decided early in the afternoon that rather than working out with some of my work friends, I'd just come home and relax. I needed some time to decompress and hitting the gym was the last thing on my mind. I got home around 6 pm after having a less than stellar day and put together some random dinner, which may or may not have been the healthiest. I, honestly can't remember what we ate. D mentioned something about not cooking and eating healthy and it triggered something in me. While he didn't mean that I don't cook the healthiest all the time, that's how I took it and I spent the rest of my night upset and crying in bed. So much for a happy birthday.
The rest of the week got better and I seemed to find a way to keep my emotions in check since then.
I was really happy to see the weekend come and have tried to use this time to "recharge my mental batteries."

Tomorrow is Super Bowl Sunday and we're heading to spend a few hours with friends tomorrow night to watch part of the game. I need to stop into Quest for my blood work before heading into the office Monday morning so we're not going to make it a late night and as much as I typically like the Super Bowl, I'm really not into this year. Guess I've got bigger things on my mind more important than a football game. :)

Day 22 -- Still in the 2 week wait and someone's having a birthday

We're up to day 22 and 5 days into our two week wait but I'm feeling really really good! We received one final call from Ryan, the Embryologist on Wednesday afternoon who gave us the final word on our last 2 embryos. As expected, one embryo failed to continue to progress and had to be discarded but the other embryo progressed beautifully and we were able to freeze that embryo. It was also rated as a BB, which was music to my ears.
Right now the anticipation is keeping me going and I'm so hopeful that our two implanted embryos continue to grow. I've tried to maintain pretty much the same schedule as I had before the transfer with just a few slight adjustments. We're working out 5-6 days a week, mostly cardio but I'm not going as intense and weight lifting as much as before. D has still banned me from the squat racks due to my daily progesterone injections but I've still managed to use some of the weight machines at the gym. Overall, I'm also listening to my body and if I need to rest, I'm taking the time to do so. I've heard that the progesterone injections can make you tired, so I may be sleeping a bit more than normal, like going to bed at 8:30 or 9 at night. Of course, if you talk to D, this is normal every night Lindsay behavior, so he doesn't truly think we're seeing any of the side effects from the progesterone.

I'm really looking forward to filling everyone in about our journey but it's also one of those things that I want to make sure of our progress before telling both our families. I debated about telling my mom and step-dad today about our past few months since we were celebrating my birthday today but we held off. Ultimately, if all pans out, I'd really like to surprise all of our parents and this was my main reason for staying quiet today.
So my birthday....tomorrow I turn 35!!!  35, what the heck!! Where are my 20s, where are my early 30s?  I'm now at my mid-30s and I just can't believe it. We had a great time celebrating today. D and I got up early to give me my progesterone shot and then went to workout. We stopped for groceries on our way home so that D could pick up a few ingredients to make me breakfast.  Chef D made pancakes and sausage for us.

We went to HuHot Mongolian Grill for lunch with my mom and step-dad, where I loaded up on veggies and lean meat and had it all cooked in front of me on the teppanyaki grill. We came back to our house for cake and to hang out for a bit. I also got to open my card and birthday present, which was a gorgeous magnetic bracelet that is also known for keeping you healthy.

Thank goodness my mom didn't add 35 candles!

So pretty and 2 of my favorite colors!

Overall we had a great day and I'm ready to spend the rest of my evening catching up on some of the shows we missed throughout the week and getting ready for my work week ahead. It will be the first week in a few that I should be there all 5 days and I've got auditors visiting as well as month-end close and my birthday so it will be a crazy full week!

Day 17b -- Embryo Transfer Complete!

I've been home for a few hours right now and I'm on such a high from our embryo transfer this morning. We have officially transferred the 2 best embryos and we're well on our way!  It's been such an emotional but awesome day!

The procedure was actually fairly easy and I was able to watch the whole placement of both via the ultrasound. Probably the hardest part of this whole IVF journey was having such a full bladder so that they could place the embryos in the best possible spot for growth. The injections haven't bothered me, the transvaginal ultrasounds haven't been bad, the multiple blood draws have been bearable, egg retrieval day was a breeze and even the implantation today was no problem but having a full bladder and feeling like I was going to explode was the killer!

So here's a rundown of our morning....
We woke up at 5:15 am because I wanted to get in a quick workout at the gym.  I again didn't get too crazy and just did 31 minutes on the stride elliptical. We got home, D gave me my progesterone shot and we got ready for the day.  We got to the FP office at 8:05 am. I signed in and within minutes was taken back so that they could get my weight and vitals. Once that was complete, I changed into my gown and waited for Ryan, the Embryologist to tell us how our embryos were progressing. A few minutes later Ryan came in to talk to us, originally we had 11 eggs retrieved, 6 were mature but only 4 were normal once they were fertilized. Those 4 had been incubated and monitored since our retrieval. As of this morning, we had 2 embryos that were blastocysts and ready for transfer. One was rated a BB+ and the other was a BB. Out of the 2 remaining embryos, 1 was still progressing and could possibly be a blastocyst tomorrow and the other was unchanged. Should the 1 that is still progressing improve tomorrow, the doc will freeze it for potential later use.
I was elated by the status of our 2 embryos that were going to be transferred! Ryan even gave us a pic of our "babies."

We were the 2nd transfer of the day, so I had to wait for the couple ahead of us to have their transfer completed before we went in. D and I took a selfie and I continued to drink the water necessary for filling my bladder to the max.

Around 8:45 am, the Fertility Coordinator came to get us and we headed for the procedure room. In there, I hopped up on the table and got situated in the stirrups. My Fertility Coordinator checked the status of my bladder via the ultrasound and found that it wasn't quite full enough for the transfer so she made me down another cup of water. I already felt like I was going to explode and this just added to that pressure. After what seemed like an eternity of a full bladder, the doctor arrived and found out that my bladder was way too full, so they sent me to slightly empty it. Whew...what a relief!  I came back and got re-situated in the stirrups and we got the transfer started. The doctor prepped and added solution to make sure that everything was sterile and then inserted the catheter. Once the "outer" catheter was inserted, the embryologist brought the "inner" catheter filled with our 2 embryos to finish the process.  We slowly watched the fluid with the embryos inserted and within a few seconds the implantation was complete!
I was so overjoyed!! I have never had this much happiness. The doc flipped me upside down on the table for a few minutes while they printed a couple pictures of the implantation -- one for my file and one for us to take with us.

That white spot is the fluid and our 2 embryos!

He turned me back up and talked to D and I about the 3 things needed to make sure that we are successful with our implantation -- the science, remaining happy and having fun and the magic/prayer. The doctor warmed his hands and placed them on my abdomen and told me the power of prayer could do wonders to keep us positive through this journey. Right now, I couldn't agree more!
My instructions for the rest of the day was to take it easy but stay active...walk around and keep myself going. Obviously I'm off of work but the doctor doesn't want me to spend the entire day lounging around as that's not good after implantation.
We walked out of the procedure room and I headed directly for the bathroom again to empty my still extremely full bladder and then got ready to come home.  I hugged both of my Fertility Coordinators as I left and told them I'd text them if I had any issues and that I'd be sure to get my followup bloodwork completed as scheduled.

D and I left and were on our way with our implanted embryos! On the way home we stopped at Chick-fil-a for chicken biscuits and then to Walgreens to get Ibuprofen in case I need over the next few weeks. Once home, D prepared to head to work and I tried to figure out what do to with myself. I decided that in order to keep myself occupied for a bit I'd clean out the pantry and re-organize it. I also have a load of laundry I need to finish up.

So what's up next for us.....
Right now I'm currently PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) and we're in the TWW (two week wait) phase. On February 5th, I'll go to the lab for my first blood test to determine my hCG and progesterone levels. hCG is the main hormone that determines whether or not I'm pregnant.  I'll have another blood test done on February 7th and we should know where we stand. It will be an exciting and nerve-wracking 2 weeks but we're so looking forward to growing our family!

Day 17 -- Transfer Day!!

Today is the BIG day!!  It's embryo transfer day! We're getting ready to head to the FP office in a few minutes. We're supposed to be there at 8:15 am again to get prepped for today's procedure.

Thankfully my boss has been super understanding with the last minute days off I've taken over the last few weeks and hopefully we'll have some exciting news to share with everyone in the coming months.

I'm drinking a lot of water to make sure my bladder is full so that the procedure is a success. And we're super hopeful that we still have 4 healthy growing embryos available for today's transfer. Obviously we won't be transferring all 4 but our goal is to transfer 2 and freeze the other 2 for later use.

I'm on Cloud 9 right now. I never imagined feeling this overjoyed and excited for anything in my life. Our engagement and wedding was exciting but it doesn't even compare to the joy I feel today.
Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers and continue to send good vibes our way!

Day 14 -- Embryo Status

It's been an exciting 2 days and while I wanted to update yesterday after my phone call with Ryan, the Embryologist, I thought I'd hold off until I had more information from his call today.
He's monitoring our embryos, watching the growth and making sure everything is going as planned for the transfer. Yesterday he called a little after 11 am and let me know that out of the 11 eggs that were retrieved, 6 ended up being mature. The 6 eggs were fertilized and 4 ended up being normal upon fertilization. They had been graded as "Good" which was the best grade they could get after 24 hours. The grades they use this early on are "Good," "Fair," and "Bad." He told me that he'd continue to monitor the embryos and call me on Saturday with an update and my transfer day. The transfer could be as early as Day 3 (Sunday) or it would be on Day 5 (Tuesday).
I had a lot of hope and in spite of the work issues I faced yesterday, I was so happy as I worked through the rest of the afternoon.

D and I got up early this morning in order to stay consistent with the time of my progesterone oil injection. We headed to the gym for a workout -- me only walking on the treadmill for 45 minutes as to not get too carried away. Typically my Saturdays are meant for squats and other leg and butt exercises but D has put a limit on that until we get through IVF and hopefully the first few weeks of pregnancy. Ultimately, I'd like to keep working out as much as my body allows as I think it will help me physically and mentally. I've heard that women who workout during pregnancy have easier labors and staying active helps overall immunity of both the woman and baby.

D headed out soon after for a guys' day with my brother and uncle but he left with the instruction to text him if I heard back from the Embryologist. Around 12:30, Ryan called with more good news! We still have all 4 embryos and all of them are currently 4 cells, which is to be expected 48 hours after retrieval and fertilization. They are all still in "Good" status also. The doctor has decided to transfer the embryos on Day 5, Tuesday.  I have to wait for my fertility coordinator to confirm transfer time but it should be somewhere between mid and late morning on Tuesday.

I texted D with the exciting news and we're both so elated!  I went from feeling broken and defective back in September to confused and upset in November to scared and unsure in December to now happy and excited and looking forward to where this journey takes us. I know we still are not out of the woods and we still have a long way to go but I'm so glad we've chosen to give IVF a shot!

Day 12b -- Egg Retrieval Complete!

You know I'm starting to think that my positivity is paying off for this journey!! As anxious, nervous and scared as I was going through egg retrieval this morning, I feel really good. Just some minor cramping but it went extremely well!

We arrived at the doc's office at 8 am this morning, I made a quick beeline for the bathroom. I wanted to make sure I didn't have an incident during the procedure. I signed in and waited to be called back. My fertility coordinator had another couple before us so we sat in the waiting room watching Fixer Upper for a few minutes. Chip and Jo are always fun to watch so this helped ease my mind a touch.
My fertility coordinator then came back to talk to us and go through our consent forms and make sure I hadn't eaten since last night. She took my weight and then I was put into an exam room for pre-op prep. In the room, I changed out of my clothes into a gown and laid back on the examination table, just taking everything in and keeping my thoughts positive. The Anesthesiologist, Mike, came in and prepped my IV and again did a small pre-op interview to make sure I had followed the protocol for surgery. Once he was complete, he sent in the Embryologist, Ryan, who gave us a rundown of his responsibilities during the retrieval. He's the one who would be evaluating the oocytes retrieved and inseminating them. He told me that once everything was completed today, he would call tomorrow letting me know how many viable embryos we had and also let me know that there are 3 options once the oocytes are fertilized -- they are either transferred, frozen or discarded depending on how healthy they are.

Since there were multiple patients having egg retrievals and there weren't enough beds in the surgery prep area, I had to walk down the hall from the exam room to the gurney in the prep area which was closer to the surgery room and spent a few minutes getting relaxed there before it was my turn for retrieval. Soon after I was in the surgery prep area, they whisked D off to complete his part of the process.  As I laid there by myself, I overheard the couple next to us as she was wheel back in after her retrieval and she had 4 eggs retrieved, 3 being mature and 1 that was not viable. I had no idea what to expect but I was hopeful that we'd have at least that many or more.

Before D got back, my fertility coordinator came to get me and told me it was my turn and off I walked into the surgery room. In the surgery room, I had to get situated on the table with my legs in the stirrups, my thoughts staying positive and hoping for the best. Mike, the Anesthesiologist, came back in to administer my sedation drug and put the oxygen mask on my face. He told me that I'd be out soon and as I laid there, I just slowly drifted to sleep. I remember having a dream of some sort and soon after I felt my fertility coordinator and Mike waking me up telling me that everything was complete and to move back on the gurney so they could wheel me to recovery. I honestly did not feel a thing!
In recovery, they brought D back and I started telling him how parched I was and how much I wanted to eat. I asked if everything went ok for him and we just sat there with him holding my hand. Mike took out my IV and bandaged my hand and soon after, another fertility coordinator and 2 other patient techs came in to explain how to administer my progesterone oil. First, the fertility coordinator drew a heart on each one of my buttocks and then she showed D how to get the oil out of the bottle, into the syringe, where to inject and then how to massage the area so that I don't get knots. After that, I was free get dressed and get ready to go.
They put me in a wheelchair and got me ready to head out and as they did that, I realized I hadn't found out how many eggs were retrieved. Come to find out, I had 11 eggs retrieved and 5 of them were mature already!  Woo hoo!! I was so elated! We still have to wait for the final report from Ryan, the Embryologist, tomorrow but to me this was the best news I could hear! All of the injections did their job and for someone who had a low AMH and a diagnosis of Diminished Ovarian Reserve, I'm glad we gave this a chance.

Tomorrow I'll learn the grades of the embryos and find out when I'll be ready for a transfer. It could be as early as this Sunday or Tuesday. I'll continue to have to take the progesterone oil for quite some time just to make sure my body stays in the best shape possible for getting pregnant and staying that way. Once we know the final grades on the embryos, D and I will make the final decision on how many we'll transfer too. Right now, we have an idea but our final decision will really depend on tomorrow's results.

 We ended up getting home around 11:30 this morning and the first thing I did was grab a drink of Gatorade (recommended to get my electrolytes up) then I went to lay on the couch. I really didn't feel bad but I was still a bit tired.  Before nodding off, I texted 2 friends who had been praying for us on this journey, letting them know I was home and everything went well and that I'd keep them posted. D made me a bowl of soup and half a sandwich and we ate lunch together before I decided to take a nap for a couple hours. I woke up feeling really good and I still feel pretty normal. I have the slight cramping every now and again but honestly, it's not even as bad as when I have period cramps! I've spent the rest of the afternoon/evening catching up on some reading and watching a bit of TV. As long as I continue to feel this way, I'm confident I will go to work tomorrow and then will take it easy over the weekend.

Today was such an exciting day. As nervous as I was to start this journey, I realize now that I can handle more than I thought.

Day 12 -- Egg Retrieval Day

Today is Egg Retrieval Day! I'm nervous, anxious, excited and just about every other emotion in between. We administered my trigger shot at 9:30 pm on Tuesday night and that started the clock for today's procedure.

Yesterday, for the first time in 11 days, I had no injections, which seemed a bit weird since I had started getting used to them every day but it was a nice break. After work last night, we went to the gym and worked out since we didn't have injections at 6 pm and then had dinner. After dinner, I took a relaxing bath and just tried to ease my mind a bit. D and I caught up on this week's episode of The Good Doctor on DVR and then I had a bowl of ice cream and 2 glasses of water before I was cut off from eating at 9 pm.
Since I'll be put under anesthesia today, 9 pm was my deadline for food and water and I made sure to make the most of it with my ice cream.  I ended up going to bed around 10 pm, hoping to get a decent amount of sleep and thankfully my brain cooperated.

As for this morning, I wanted to get a small workout in to help my anxiety about today.  Working out always seems to ease my mind so D and I woke up at 5:30 am and headed to the gym. I spent 30 minutes on the elliptical but I didn't push myself too hard....it just felt good to get some exercise in.
Right now, I'm dressed in my comfy clothes and getting ready for what's ahead. We have to be at the FP office at 8:15 am where I'll be prepped for the retrieval which should happen soon after.
I'm not sure what to expect this afternoon but my plan is to relax and sleep and take care of my body.
Since I haven't eaten today, I requested pizza for dinner. Given everything we're going through today, I figured the splurge was worth it.

As we prepare to head to the doc, I'm keep positive that we'll have a successful retrieval today!  I'm also keeping the attitude that I can get through anything as long as I stay strong.

Day 9 -- We have a retrieval date

I had another doctor's appointment this afternoon and my body has progressed extremely well and so well that we're on schedule for my egg retrieval on Thursday!

At my appointment today, the doctor saw 15 follicles and a thick uterine lining. He was pleased with how well the injections have been working and how my body has responded given the fact that my AMH level was so low to start. In fact, he told me today that given the fact that my AMH was so low, he's certain that no other fertility clinic would even attempt to let me try to improve my condition with the fertility drugs but he is confident he will be able to harvest viable eggs for us.

So what exactly is up next for us leading up to the retrieval...
Today was my last day of taking my baby aspirin, so I'm officially off of that until told take them again. I also had more bloodwork today to check my progesterone and estradiol levels one more time.
Tomorrow I'll take my last Follistim, Ganirelix and Menopur injections -- my 2 injections in the morning and 2 injections at night.
Also, my FP coordinator will give me the instructions for the exact time I need to take my trigger shot Ovidrel tomorrow night. I have exactly 36 hours from the time I take the injection to when they will complete the egg retrieval. I'll get more details tomorrow for the time of my procedure.
In total, I'll have 5 injections tomorrow...oh my poor yellow and purple tummy!

Wednesday is the low-key day before. No injections, only my vitamins and supplements and then no food or drink after 9 pm. I'm also supposed to take a relaxing bath and enjoy some quality time with D.

As for Thursday, I'll arrive and be prepped for the egg retrieval procedure -- no makeup, no contact lenses, no hair products, just plain me in loose fitting clothes. D has to be my designated driver and provide the necessary sample to fertilize the eggs. I'm supposed to then take it easy the rest of the day. Thankfully after my appointment today, I was able to schedule the day off of work no problem and D will be taking the day off as well. I told my boss that depending on how I feel I may or may not come into work on Friday. My hope is that I feel well enough to work so that I can save my much needed time off for when we really need it -- the implantation, etc. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the pain and discomfort will be limited.

And tonight, we're both just full of anticipation and excitement and looking forward to what happens next.

Day 7 -- Just plugging along

We're at day 7 of our IVF journey and things are going well. I started the Ganirelix injection yesterday morning so now I have 2 in the AM (Follistim and Ganirelix) and 2 in the evening (Follistim and Menopur) until I go back to the doctor on Monday. Last night, D picked up the rest of my meds that the doc ordered, which *fingers crossed* are the last for awhile. This included my trigger shot, Ovidrel and the Progesterone oil for after the retreival.

I have to be one of Walgreens best customers. It was another $2,490.62 for the rest of my meds. I'm glad we didn't buy them all at once. I may have had a slight anxiety attack last week if we had.

So far I'm still feeling good. I haven't seen any real side effects from any of the meds I've been taking. At my appointment on Thursday, my doc asked if I've had any weird dreams lately, because apparently that is one of the side effects but I haven't as of yet. I think I had more weird dreams before going on the meds that I have since taking them....go figure!

Other than that, I'm just trying to stay as stress free as possible and make sure I'm reading up on as much IVF information as I can so I'm prepared as we move forward on this journey.
We're headed out for a night of fun at the casino this evening with my bro, his girlfriend and Nicole as a delayed celebration for Nicole's 21st birthday. We went to Fast Eddie's on her actual birthday but we wanted to take her out as cousins to celebrate her birthday milestone.  It should be a great time and maybe we'll have some luck tonight!

Day 5 -- We're on track

I had another visit with my fertility doctor today and we're moving right along!

Today, my ultrasound displayed 5 follicles on the left side and 7 follicles on the right and my lining is 7 mm. The stims are working!! Yeah!  All of my levels from my blood work on Monday were also on track and my doc was happy with the progress. He even high fived me for the good report after my ultrasound.

Tomorrow I start another injection in the morning, Ganirelix.  This goes along with the Follistim injection in the morning and my Follistim and Menopur injections at night.  We'll keep this up until my next appointment on Monday when the doc will tell me how many more days of injections I have and when we're scheduled for egg retrieval.

After my visit with the doc, I met with the Fertility Coordinator again and got my instructions for filling the rest of my meds with the pharmacy and then headed off to have more blood work done. Today, the office didn't have a phlebotomist on site so I drove down the street to visit the clinic.  Thankfully again today I drank PLENTY of water and they had no issues getting what was needed to check my levels again.  Hopefully, I'll be exactly where I need to be to move forward!

In other news, St. Louis is getting sleet and freezing rain tonight.  Both D and I made sure to get home before that junk started lining the roads. After our debacle last winter where it took us both 4+ hours to get home, I'm not about to mess with that again anytime soon.  Plus, we have bigger things to plan for in the future and we're not about chance it for this weather. :)

Day 2 -- Just call me a pin cushion

Official day 2 of our IVF journey!

Today I had another injection of Follistim in the morning and injections of Follistim and Menopur this evening. In between all of this injection fun, I had an appointment at the FP office. At my appointment, I had all of my vitals taken and then had to have an ultrasound so the doctor could see exactly what he would be working with. According to the doc, I have 7 egg follicles right now, 2 on the right side and 5 on the left and my lining is about 4 mm.  The doctor wants me to come back on Thursday for another checkup and will determine what the next plan of action is once he's able to see my progress. He's considering a frozen embryo transfer but he will be able to make a better determination as he continues to track my progress.

After my ultrasound, I had to have more blood drawn and considering all of the issues that I've had in the past, I decided to do my best this morning and hydrate, hydrate, hydrate! Apparently all of the hydration worked and the phlebotomist had no problem getting what he needed today. Yes!
Of course, this did cause me to use the bathroom 4 times this morning but it was definitely better than having to be stuck more times!
I met with Fertility Coordinator who told me to keep up my current injection regime and bring in my Ganirelix with me to my next appointment in case I need to start that.

Overall, it wasn't too bad today. I'm starting to get the hang of everything and D & I have our system down for the injections and my vitamins and supplements.  Like the doctor said to me today, my blood type should be my attitude through this journey -- B Positive....and positive I will be!

Day 1 -- Here We Go

We're officially our IVF journey.
On Tuesday, I made the payment to the FP office since it needed to be paid before my first appointment.  In one swoop, I charged over $7k to get this process officially started....yikes!
On Wednesday, I took the last of the prescribed birth control pills. I'd been on the active pills for 5 weeks, weird when you're ultimately trying to have a baby, but there is a method to the madness.  I got a call from the only Walgreens that specializes in fertility meds in the area telling me that they had my order from the FP office and they wanted to know what I wanted filled. I contacted my Coordinator at the FP office and got a rundown of things to order first. Obviously my insurance isn't covering any of this, so we have to be smart about what to order/buy and when based upon the meds being used in what order.
Follistim and Menopur are the two main injections I'm supposed to take first so I made sure to get enough of those as well as the Ganirelix, which is the next step.  We held off on the trigger shot (Ovidrel) and the progesterone oil until its needed.  I knew the meds would be pricey but I had the shock of my life when I found out the price of 6 days of meds.  Thankfully I asked the Pharmacy Tech on the phone so I didn't have a heart attack when D went and picked up the meds on Thursday.  We spent the rest of our Wednesday night rearranging our budget and figuring out where to move money from to cover all of these expenses.  Anyone else ever spend $3,001.35 at Walgreens?

Friday was a fairly low key day, just putting together my basket of goods and making sure I knew what was coming next.  I've been reading a lot of blogs and websites trying to prepare for all of this and the biggest recommendation is to make sure you have everything in one spot and organized. For Christmas, my bro and his girlfriend gave me a basket of gifts and the basket came in very handy for storing all of my meds, sharps container and other goodies.

Saturday I started my prescription steroid...Prednisone, adding it to the already growing list of vitamins I've been taking for months.

Today was the BIG day, we set an alarm for 6:15 this morning so D could give me my first shot. We had to get on a schedule so that we can give the meds 12 hours apart and on a schedule that meshes with our work schedules.  Tonight we had to inject both the Follistim and the Menopur. D is my honorary nurse and is injecting all of my shots for me since I'm a bit adverse to needles right now.

Tomorrow afternoon is my first doctor's appointment to start checking my progress. I'll go again on Friday and next Monday for them to track the number and size of folicles before they set a date for retrieval.  My hope is to continue to use the blog as my journal for this journey. It's exciting and nerve-wracking and there is so much going through my head thinking about this entire process.

We have had some other things happening as well.  While we opted not to tell our families about our IVF journey during the holidays, we did celebrate Christmas and our visit to Michigan passed in a blur.  We visited family throughout the state and took a day trip to Frankenmuth to go to the largest Christmas store.  I got back to work to complete year-end and then celebrate Christmas and New Years with my family.  We had D's work Holiday party on Friday night and then yesterday we surprised my Dad with a Retirement party.  It was quite the party at a local restaurant and we had a good turnout of friends, family and co-workers.

It's been a busy and exciting 2018 so far and we can't wait to see what else is in store for us this year!

Our Next Journey

After my last post, D and I had another appointment with the fertility specialist and had some major factors to look at and decisions to make. And a decision we have made!  

It's the biggest decision we've ever had to make and we had to take a long look at everything to make sure that this was the next step to take in our marriage. Yes, we love each other unconditionally but medical procedures and medical risks along with my age and the financial responsibilities that come with fertility issues are major factors we had to think about.  I am happy yet extremely nervous to say that as of a few weeks ago, the prep has started and officially in January, we will undergo IVF.

This afternoon we met with the team at the FP office and took a class on what will be happening over the next few months.  There is a lot of steps involved in order to ensure that we have eggs to retrieve and hopefully transfer next month. We met first regarding the financial and legal aspects of the procedure.  In all my life, I never thought I'd have to decide what would happen to any extra embryos or decide if I want specific procedures to help the formation and implantation of said embryos and ultimately how many embryos we want transferred.  It's a lot to think about and figure out along with deciding how the heck we're going to pay for the procedure and meds and then a child or children.

Then we met with our Fertility Coordinator who explained all of the meds and even let us practice giving the injections on a silicone stomach. I had no idea how many injections and medicinal cocktails I'd have to give myself throughout this process.  Thank goodness I have a supportive husband who isn't fearful of needles because he will be administering these for me, because I'm a chicken no matter how small the needles are.

Finally, we had to get bloodwork and urine analyses done in order to make sure we can take the next step. For me, I had to had to have one at the FP office to check for potential birth defects and then both D and I had to go to Quest and get the remaining tests run to check for infectious diseases. Unfortunately for me, I have horribly small veins and the phlebotomist wasn't there so the attempts at the FP office by the Medical Assistants were unsuccessful.  I have to go back tomorrow and hopefully will have a better outcome. Thankfully, the tests at Quest went easier!

So up next, we've got to get through the holidays. D and I are debating on whether or not we're going to tell our families during the time we'll be spending with them over the next few weeks. We've only told my brother and his girlfriend and a couple friends. It's one of those things that we're not sure if we want everyone knowing what's going on or just tell them after the fact. (Luckily, none of our family members besides my bro know about the blog so they won't find out from here!) It's something I'm not embarrassed to admit but I also don't want them to add additional stress/pressure right now.

It's amazing to think that 3 years ago today, D and I got engaged at Hoover Dam in Las Vegas and today, we're taking the next step to grow our family. 3 years ago, I would have never imagined we'd be on this IVF journey, but here it goes!

Something more than daily life

I've been meaning to post something more than our day to day life on here for a while, but I couldn't really find the courage to actually post it.  One afternoon 6 or 7 months ago while I was taking a short lunch at work, I wrote out something that had been eating me up for awhile in hopes of posting it but I decided against it.  The words on that piece of notebook paper have sat in the back of my mind since I wrote them and finally I feel like I can address those fears, especially after having them confirmed.
So we'll start at the beginning....
D & I talked before we got married of our hopes, fears and goals for the future. While I wasn't always sure that I would be a good mother, I wasn't opposed to the idea of actually becoming one some day. There was never a time in my life that I thought my life would be incomplete without a child and I figured if the time came, I'd be ok if we did or did not have children once we were married and settled.

A few months before our 1 year anniversary, D & I thought we had settled into married life fairly well.  We had our finances in order, our house was coming along, we had our careers pretty much under control and we decided it was the right time to try to grow our family. In June 2016, I stopped refilling my birth control prescription. I was on the pill for almost 13 years and it was crazy to think that we were taking this next step together and actually trying to have a child. We went on our delayed honeymoon in July and while we weren't certain that the pill was completely out of my system, we were ok with whatever the outcome would be.
Obviously, I haven't posted anything about pregnancy or having a child on the blog and if you've seen me over the past 16 months, you've noticed our only baby is still Kinny. My thought process over this time period has always been, "whatever happens is in God's plan" and I continue to believe that. I just figured God didn't think it was the right time and that with my big promotion at work and other things D & I have going on, we needed to continue to focus on everything else and let whatever happen actually happen.
The first few months, we thought we were just unable to figure out my cycle.  After that, D, who is longingly wanting to be a father, downloaded the Glow App to his phone. He's been tracking each month feverishly so we could get the timing down as best as possible. I started taking additional vitamins, eating foods to promote fertility, cutting out all alcohol and overall trying to be as healthy as I can.
After a year of trying, D & I realized that something may not be right. Around our 2 year anniversary, we decided we probably needed to go to the doctor and figure out what's exactly wrong. We tried calling a fertility specialist that one of our friend's recommended and in fact used to have her baby girl earlier this year. D left message after message and could not get anyone to call him back. After a week of frustration and unreturned calls, we decided to look for another doctor. On my way to and from work, I've noticed a large building that clearly was exactly what I was looking for. All these years driving down I-70, I ignored it but knowing our situation, I decided to do some research and see if they could help us. The doctor had great reviews and also a high percentage of helping couples like D & myself.
D made the initial call and set us up for an appointment in mid-September, September 15th to be exact. We filled out our paperwork, submitted it ahead of time so that the doctor could review our medical histories and be prepared for our visit. We were glad that we finally were going to figure out what was going on! I got a call a few days before our initial visit saying the doctor had to reschedule because he would be out of town so we rescheduled for the following Friday, September 22nd. We were leaving for KC for the weekend that day but it just made sense to get into the doctor without having to take additional time off of work another day.
D & I met with the doctor, gave him a bit of history of us and then settled in for testing. The doctor ordered 3 blood tests for me along with an ultrasound and a one test for D.
We each went our separate ways -- me for my blood tests and D for his test and then met back up for my ultrasound. The blood test results, testing my AMH, Vitamin D and TSH levels wouldn't be back for a week but if the doc found something in D's results or my ultrasound then we wouldn't have to worry about them so much.
Of course as I suspected, D's results came back completely normal. My ultrasound came back less than stellar. Apparently I have an inverted uterus and the doctor could only find 6-7 egg follicles, which is low for someone my age -- both of these things alone make it difficult to become pregnant let alone whatever my blood tests results would find.
We left our appointment quite disheartened. For someone that had said, "whatever happens is in God's plan" before, I now felt cheated and felt like the worst wife ever. I spent the whole car ride to KC upset and crying every so often. I spent our evening at dinner upset and then was up half of the night up thinking. Even without knowing the other test results, I knew, "I am defective."
Around midnight that night after D was long asleep in our hotel, I sat on Twitter to keep myself occupied. Knowing I didn't have anyone to talk to, I just decided to tweet to get my feelings out there and hoping that it would let me get to sleep. The tweet was simply, "Dr apt today & wasn't expecting the results I got. Feeling broken. Trying to have fun on our trip but that news is weighing heavily on me now."
I caused a bit of a stir with my family members on Twitter but D & I blew it off just saying I was down on myself and there was nothing seriously wrong. We hadn't told anyone about our fertility struggles and I didn't want to have to try to explain them without having all of the info.
We waited for the remaining results to come back in and then decided to figure out the next step.
My blood test results were in about a week later and were no better than my ultrasound results...
AMH = 0.23 ng/ml
Vitamin D = 31 ng/ml
TSH = 1.69 ml U/L
I Googled each to find out what it meant and it was frightening. My AMH levels are EXTREMELY low and my Vitamin D is also on the lower side. I wanted to hear back from the doctor but considering I only got the raw results from the lab, I waited to see what his interpretation of all of the results were. And waited we did -- it was 4 weeks yesterday since our appointment and finally I got a call back from the doctor. I've been diagnosed with Diminished Ovarian Reserve. My AMH level being so low, means that at 34, I'm closer to menopause than I should be and chances of us having a child on our own are nearly impossible.
The doctor recommended Vitamin D supplements and wanted to know my thoughts on where we wanted to go from here. Obviously modern medicine could potentially help us but at what cost? IUI is not a viable option, IVF may be possible, but what exactly would it take to get to that point and have it be successful? The doctor also has a reputation to uphold and doesn't want to steer me to believe that he's a miracle worker when I could be way past the point of being able to sustain a pregnancy. On top of that, do we want to spend $7,000 + the costs of meds and injections for it to not work? Trying to be financially responsible (or maybe just cheap), I'm torn by what we should do.
The doctor suggested meeting face to face with both D & myself and going through all of our options. We have another appointment set up for November 3rd.

It's hit me hard over the past month, just how difficult life can be at you sometimes. I tried for years and years to be responsible and not get pregnant -- waiting for the right time in my life, where I was ready mentally, emotionally and financially and it seems like when all of those pieces came together, now  physically I'm not able to. Yes, this may all be "in God's plan" but it's made me wonder just what I've done to deserve these trials and tribulations. I also wonder if God just wants me to only be Kinny's mom.